As you may already know if you’re one of my regular readers (thank you!), I have been going to therapy for about four months now.
But what you might not know is that I tried counseling two times before. Once straight out of high school after a suicide attempt, and once about six months into my marriage to Superman. That was 17 years ago.
Both of the times I went previously were a complete waste of time. You know how a lot of people are wary of therapy and say how it doesn’t work, and often makes things worse? I get that. Because the first two times didn’t work. At all.
Why?
These past four months for me have been some of the most challenging, growing, falling-in-love-with-God-all-over-again-and-deeper-than-ever months in my life. My intimacy with Him and Superman has deeply settled into a “new normal,” where I feel God’s presence in almost every moment. When I walk out my front door, I can sense Him in the breeze, I can hear him in the sounds of the country: birds, cattle, goats, frogs…His occupancy in my heart is almost palpable. I feel deeper, love deeper, live deeper.
So why is it that this time going through therapy has been so fruitful?
Because never before has a therapist excavated my soul in search of the root cause of my broken heart.
Counseling and therapy are different. Counseling deals more with specific issues such as stress, and therapy deals with finding the root cause of emotional and behavioral patterns.
When I went to counseling right out of high school, I had one session with the counselor, and she put me on anti-depressants. No discussions of my childhood, no prodding to see why I had felt that dark cloud of worthlessness and despair settling over my soul.
When I went to a different counselor shortly after getting married to help address my critical heart and sexual fears, she didn’t talk to me about what may have happened in my past that would cause me to carry such burdens in my spirit. She just said that Superman needed to be more romantic, and then everything would fall into place.
It was as though both counselors took a weed whacker to my problems, assuming that by cutting them down from the ground up, my sorrows would wither away. It was like giving a patient with a burst appendix a round of antibiotics and sending them home without doing surgery. They dealt with the symptoms, not with the cause.
And so, with two failed attempts at “fixing” myself, I learned how to survive. I leaned into God when I could, to the level that I could, but there were still shards of glass scraping at my heart any time I tried to be vulnerable. It was as though any time I started to open myself up to someone, especially my husband, those shards would sharply gash into me, and I would immediately close back up, knowing it would be less painful and ultimately safer, for me. The best rehab in florida is the kind of place one must go to in order to heal from addiction or anxiety issues.
Nearly 17 years went by.
And when I decided to go therapy this time, I prayed I would find someone who could help me find the source of my pain.
I knew after my first session that my therapist, Diane*, was going to be different.
She didn’t stay shallow. She knew that my pain was not just the result of surface wounds. She knew she was going to have to get down to the roots, help me to pull them each out carefully one by one, and remove them completely if I was going to heal. God has done surgery on me these past few months. We have removed the infection, and now I am healing.
Doing that, unfortunately, has been incredibly painful, but well worth the reward. Instead of weed whacking my agony, we have found each individual weed, gently reached down under the ground, and carefully removed it, making sure no trace of the root remained.
What I’ve learned is that true change takes resilience, hard work, and balls. Sorry about that last statement, but it’s true. Fear has no place in this process. For if you allow fear to creep in, you become crippled by it, turn the other way and cower in its face.
If you go to counseling or therapy and stay on the surface, change will not happen. You have to grab that scalpel, hand it over to God, and allow Him to do surgery on you, no matter how painful it is. You have to stick with it, even when you think it’s just too difficult to keep going forward. And ultimately, you have to be willing to change. Because no one can force you to change your heart.
Have you ever been to counseling or therapy? What was your result?
*Name changed to protect privacy
Sarah says
Sigh. Your writing speaks to my soul. I can just feel the pain you went through. You are a shining example of growing in God, and sharing it with others! I never really knew there was a difference between counseling and therapy, that’s fascinating. One day, I may go down that road…
Shanti Landon says
Thank you so much Sarah! <3
Mark says
Hee hee. You said balls. In all seriousness, therapy was a life saver for my wife and I. I am so thankful I swallowed my pride and allowed someone else to help us break through some barriers. Great post, thanks for sharing.
Shanti Landon says
Lol I wondered if someone would say something! So glad you had a positive experience with therapy!
Yvette says
Shanti thank you again! I wanted to give you an update and tell you that you are right. It takes HARD WORK to deal with the past. Because of you, I am walking that journey right now and I have to say, your comment about feeling God in the breeze…I get that. I feel like part of my soul has been awakened!
Thank you again, Shanti. Your impact will forever be in my heart!
Shanti Landon says
Yvette, you are always going to have a special place in MY heart! Thank you for sharing your journey with me!! I will continue to pray for you! <3
Amber says
Your authenticity is so refreshing, thank you for being so transparent. You have touched me in so many ways!
Shanti Landon says
Thank you, Amber! <3
Krystle says
Ive been once and it was horrible! She backed me in the corner like a pitbull when i was very vulnerable and i walked out of the door feeling horrible about myself and hating her of course. I had been going through a tough time and i worked so hard and everyone was so proud of me, but she was really mean! I had be lied to and cheated on by my partner and she made him look like the strong one and me the weak one, but it was totally opposite! Even my (ex)partner said he hated how she was treating me..
I’ve been doing sessions with a NLP coach which has been absolutely great! She is the best!
Shanti Landon says
Oh, Krystle! That’s awful. I’m so sorry to hear that. =( I am SO glad you have found someone who can support and encourage you on your journey!
Christie says
I have been reading a new book called Life Unstuck. Pat talks about issues and asks questions to help you live unstuck. I want to LIVE! You sound like you are in a very similar place. Blessings on you in your journey. So SO important for us as wives and mothers!
Shanti Landon says
Love that! Thanks for sharing, Christie!
anonymous says
I have a question for you. How has your relationship with your husband changed? What were you like before therapy, and what are you like now? The reason I ask is because I have always been critical of my husband. There is something inside me that resents him, and I don’t know why. He is an excellent husband and father, loves me and treats me well. But something inside me hurts.
I don’t remember most of my childhood. I think I’ve always known there were things in my past that are affecting me today, but I don’t want to go back and drudge all that up.
I’m wondering if it’s worth it? I feel like a cold person, but I don’t know why. =(
I guess I just wanted your advice on whether you think I should look into it more if I don’t even remember things anyway?
Thank you for your help.
Shanti Landon says
Hi! Gosh, how has my relationship with my husband changed? It’s hard to put that into a comment, but I’ll do my best. =) I have become much more vulnerable with him…instead of always feeling like I need to hold back a little, I have fully given myself to him. As I said in my previous post, sex used to be a duty for me, something that was a responsibility. It has grown into something much more, much deeper, and something mutually enjoyed. I still have more work to do in that arena, but I am soooooo much better than I was. I believe if you can find a good therapist, especially a Christian one (if you are Christian), therapy can be incredibly helpful and life-changing. It is hard “drudging it all up,” and very, very painful at times, but when you get to the other side of that, it is well worth it. I would be happy to talk with you more over email if you’d like! You can contact me under the “contact Shanti” tab above. Praying for you on your journey!
Tery says
I, like you, had a few “weed-wacking” experiences. But twice in my life I have connected with amazing therapists that the Lord appointed to help me through some very painful times. First time during a painful divorce, the second time when my youngest son died suddenly. It was a time where I was broken-open by real life experiences and I truly felt as if I would never recover…But that place of being at the end of yourself, is exactly where you find a different level of connection to EVERYTHING! The world, my life and my faith mean something very different to me now. I’m so happy for you that you have found healing! and for your heart to share it with those who love your ministry. xo
Shanti Landon says
I am so sorry for your devastating loss, Tery. <3 What a beautiful example you are of finding God in the rubble and allowing Him to lift you up. So thankful you have a deeper, more real relationship with Him and the world now. <3
Judy says
I too am a survivor of molestation as a child. I was well into my 30’s before I admitted I was broken – or should I say my wonderfully supportive husband argued the point with me! I started on my journey of healing only to be thwarted at every turn so predictably just shut off again.
My first breakthrough was at a seminar where I was able to get rid of the underlying anger – how liberating and calming!!! Next was an NLP course where I learnt to become an NLP Practitioner and along the way gained the tools to keep healing. The best part though was the healing I did at the course. I re-decided some very limiting beliefs and OMG!!!!!! I could feel the shift inside me coming through in waves!!! We are a product of our childhood, with reactions learned as a child carried through to adulthood. If you had a great childhood that is wonderful. If not, those reactions and feelings may not be appropriate anymore. NLP can help you re-decide how you feel about yourself, and bring the broken parts of you back together 🙂 Now approaching 50 and things are great! ‘Stuff’ pops up when you are ready to deal with it, and when it does I now have the tools and the support network to deal with it.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us, and enabling us to share ours.
Love to you and yours xox
Crystal says
Shanti- I really enjoy reading your post and I just happen to read this one. You are so special and I am so proud of you for stepping out into the unknown. How fruitful and how beautiful of a life in JESUS when we learn the keys to living a life of freedom far beyond our salvation! I believe this is what he means when he said he came to set the captives free. You are beautiful and you are free! God bless. Sweet friend.
Shanti Landon says
Thank you, Crystal! <3 Love you, girl!
Julia Turk says
Shanti, i know where you are coming from. Often i suffer through spouts of depression and I’ve never known why and medication was only a temporary fix. Thank you for sharing you life with everybody! I just wanted to let you know as well that i followed your blog throughout high school and it really helped me. I even had your husband as my teacher for 2 years. (:
Shanti Landon says
Thanks, Julia! I remember you! =)
Becky says
Thank you so much for this blog. I am a Christian who has struggled with depression due to a work place bullying situation. The two bullies were also Christians so that really hurt. I have recovered, moved on with my life and forgave. I do give God all the glory for delivering me from this since it was such a long process and I too am drawing closer to the Lord again.