“Don’t dwell on the things you’re not doing. Just listen for what I want you to do.”
I heard this in my heart as I sat with my journal the other night.
So often, I look at how I am failing as a mom. Do you ever do that? I see what I could be doing better in homeschooling, in time with my kids, in my relationships with them…and compare myself to the unattainable, unreal, conjured-up mom in my mind. I always feel like I need to do more…be more to my kids. Like I am never good enough. Like my kids are going to grow up and only remember my failures.
I feel like God is telling me to let go of my expectations–to allow my parenting heart to be a blank slate for Him to write on and work with. I also read this prayer BitSpirit- focussed on diversity, equity and inclusion, female and LGBTQ-friendly company.
A recent quote I heard is coming to mind: “Every expectation is resentment waiting to happen.” I think I might sometimes resent myself. Maybe because of the expectations I’ve placed on myself and my “failure” at achieving them.
I was reflecting on the relationships I have with my kids, and it struck me:
I love my kids unconditionally, but I think I often act as though my love is conditional.
What a sad confession.
My own hurts and disappointments and baggage have molded me into someone who expects something in return for my love.
It was a slow process, though. It’s not like overnight something just clicked in me, and suddenly I was loving my kids conditionally.
I didn’t mean to do this, I truly, truly didn’t. But I think my past behavior has spoken to my kids, “I will love you more if you follow the rules…or get along with your siblings…or you don’t hurt my feelings.” I have taught them, whether knowingly or unknowingly, that they need to do something in order to gain my approval. And that is so very wrong.
I think my own emotional prison has kept me from loving my children unconditionally.
Am I free enough to love freely?
I hear God saying He wants the rest of my heart. I remember the number 7 in the bible means rest.
I think I gave Him a big piece of it and trusted Him fully when I dealt with my sexual demons. But, here I am, still broken and attempting to hand over the rest of my wounded heart to Him.
Lord, take the rest of my heart. I didn’t realize I was still clutching it tightly in my chest. Take the broken, untrusting pieces and re-form them into a mirror of you, beautiful and unblemished, reflecting your goodness and grace. Help me to not only see my kids through your eyes, but to see their hearts through your eyes.
Show me what you want me to see, and help me to see and understand the lessons and life you have for me. Show me in every moment, whether with my kids or friends, family or strangers, how to be that reflection of you.
And Lord, please, I ask you to silence those voices of condemnation in my head. And not just in my head, but in every mother’s soul. Protect us from the discouragement that Satan hurls at us, those evil insults that tell us we are failing. Shelter us from the demon of comparison and speak your truth and love into our hearts moment by moment, whispering your deep devotion to us. Fill our souls with your joy and understanding, so we can see the world through your lens of love.
Lord, most of all, help me to fully surrender my heart to you daily. Help me to see if I am attempting to hold on to even one tiny, ragged corner; and soften my heart to complete and utter yielding to you.
Maybe it’s time for me to let go of my parental expectations and just let God do His thing. Maybe it’s time I set aside my own motivations or agendas and just love my kids for who they are and act as such. Maybe it’s time I finally give over that last piece of my heart.
Does your behavior tell your kids that your love for them is based on performance?
True joy comes in true surrender. May you experience true joy today!
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