I can be selfish at times. I mean, all of us can be selfish…we’re all capable. But I actually choose to be selfish on occasion. I know. I’m an awful person.
You see, I had plans. I had planned on a couple kids (a couple meaning two), a calm life being able to fully enjoy watching my kids grow, but not being harried at all. No, not me. I would never take on more than I could feasibly handle. Oh, yeah. I also planned on being able to carry a small purse when I had little children. I didn’t plan on having to carry a big ol’ old lady bag (no offense to those of you out there who have already gone through “the change”). I was going to still wear makeup and earrings and sometimes get my nails done and sit around and eat Bon Bons.
In all seriousness, though, I did have plans for my life. I never saw myself parenting FIVE (I wish there was some kind of flashing lights I could put on that word FIVE) kids. To be quite honest, when we found out that Michael and Naomi’s birth mom was pregnant, I told Superman no way. There was no freakin’ way I was going to take on another kid.
Michael was 3 when we got him. He and Naomi had been in 3 foster homes and had gone through more than any child should have to experience. He was pretty much non-verbal. He uttered sounds, but really didn’t talk. He was a sweet boy, but I felt frustrated by his inability to communicate at times. Naomi was one year old and needed a mom. She had never had anyone to bond with and so when she had me, she latched on like a, well, like a leech. She freaked out if Superman looked at her. She wouldn’t let me put her down. She screamed if I left the room. If I took the kids to the park, she clung to me like I was going to disappear if she looked away. It was tough. So there was NO WAY I was going to take on a baby.
Well, thankfully I’m married to Superman. He insisted that it was our responsibility to take in Grace. We had room in our car, room in our home, and definitely had enough room in our hearts, so we had no excuse. Sigh. Sometimes it’s hard being married to such a wise man. Really, it is.
So, once again, it was up to me. I knew that my heart was saying NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I felt overwhelmed even thinking about getting a brand new baby while still tending to 4 other little ones. So I prayed. And I begged God to change my heart. And for once, I actually believed He would do it. And sure enough, He did.
When Grace came to us, I bonded with her quicker than I did with any of our other kids–even with our own biological child. I immediately felt intensely connected to her, as if I had birthed her myself. I have to praise God for His faithfulness and devotion to me. He truly is an amazing God who answers prayers and provides for our needs.
Don’t get me wrong–it’s hard at times. There have been tears, meltdowns, feelings of inadequacy and doubt. There have been heartfelt prayers asking for the Lord to sustain me when I felt like I just had nothing more to give. But, I’m still alive. I’m still kickin’.
And, here I am. I carry a big purse. My life is anything BUT calm. I do have to commend myself that I usually do wear makeup, but the earrings are a hit-or-miss. But, it’s all worth it. I can’t imagine if I would have denied little Gracie coming into our lives. She has graced us in ways beyond imagination, truly filling our hearts with a joy nothing else could compare to. And to think we would have missed out terribly if we hadn’t obeyed. If I would have stuck to my own plans, where would we be? Not here, that’s for sure.
So, my friends. We all have plans, but the Lord truly does determine our steps. It’s up to us, though–do we want to stick with our own plan, or do we want to make a little room for Someone bigger than us to guide our path?