I can be selfish at times. I mean, all of us can be selfish…we’re all capable. But I actually choose to be selfish on occasion. I know. I’m an awful person.
You see, I had plans. I had planned on a couple kids (a couple meaning two), a calm life being able to fully enjoy watching my kids grow, but not being harried at all. No, not me. I would never take on more than I could feasibly handle. Oh, yeah. I also planned on being able to carry a small purse when I had little children. I didn’t plan on having to carry a big ol’ old lady bag (no offense to those of you out there who have already gone through “the change”). I was going to still wear makeup and earrings and sometimes get my nails done and sit around and eat Bon Bons.
In all seriousness, though, I did have plans for my life. I never saw myself parenting FIVE (I wish there was some kind of flashing lights I could put on that word FIVE) kids. To be quite honest, when we found out that Michael and Naomi’s birth mom was pregnant, I told Superman no way. There was no freakin’ way I was going to take on another kid.
Michael was 3 when we got him. He and Naomi had been in 3 foster homes and had gone through more than any child should have to experience. He was pretty much non-verbal. He uttered sounds, but really didn’t talk. He was a sweet boy, but I felt frustrated by his inability to communicate at times. Naomi was one year old and needed a mom. She had never had anyone to bond with and so when she had me, she latched on like a, well, like a leech. She freaked out if Superman looked at her. She wouldn’t let me put her down. She screamed if I left the room. If I took the kids to the park, she clung to me like I was going to disappear if she looked away. It was tough. So there was NO WAY I was going to take on a baby.
Well, thankfully I’m married to Superman. He insisted that it was our responsibility to take in Grace. We had room in our car, room in our home, and definitely had enough room in our hearts, so we had no excuse. Sigh. Sometimes it’s hard being married to such a wise man. Really, it is.
So, once again, it was up to me. I knew that my heart was saying NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I felt overwhelmed even thinking about getting a brand new baby while still tending to 4 other little ones. So I prayed. And I begged God to change my heart. And for once, I actually believed He would do it. And sure enough, He did.
When Grace came to us, I bonded with her quicker than I did with any of our other kids–even with our own biological child. I immediately felt intensely connected to her, as if I had birthed her myself. I have to praise God for His faithfulness and devotion to me. He truly is an amazing God who answers prayers and provides for our needs.
Don’t get me wrong–it’s hard at times. There have been tears, meltdowns, feelings of inadequacy and doubt. There have been heartfelt prayers asking for the Lord to sustain me when I felt like I just had nothing more to give. But, I’m still alive. I’m still kickin’.
And, here I am. I carry a big purse. My life is anything BUT calm. I do have to commend myself that I usually do wear makeup, but the earrings are a hit-or-miss. But, it’s all worth it. I can’t imagine if I would have denied little Gracie coming into our lives. She has graced us in ways beyond imagination, truly filling our hearts with a joy nothing else could compare to. And to think we would have missed out terribly if we hadn’t obeyed. If I would have stuck to my own plans, where would we be? Not here, that’s for sure.
So, my friends. We all have plans, but the Lord truly does determine our steps. It’s up to us, though–do we want to stick with our own plan, or do we want to make a little room for Someone bigger than us to guide our path?
Tara says
This is beautiful! Thanks for sharing your heart.
Summer says
Thank for you sharing this
Sarah says
Thank you so much for sharing your adoption experience with such honesty. We are in the adoption process and were just blessed with a surprise baby. Overwhelmed is the only word for it, but, like you said, The Lord is faithful, even in our weakness. I found your blog when I joined VGN, and I just can’t help wishing we were neighbors, we have so much in common!
Ashley says
Thank you for sharing! It’s true it’s up to us to decide if we want to stick with our own plans or make room for God to guide our path!!!!
sarah says
I totally know what you mean. I never thought I would have one kid! Now 5 kids later, I think, who would I say no to? I can’t!! We just took in our 5th foster child (I asked for prayer sometime back on a monday…) and the case is going pretty smooth. I know crazy to say smooth and foster care in the same sentence. God is good if we obey and I couldn’t imagine saying no. Even if I wonder who I am!!
Michelle Pedersen says
Our #4 is our faith baby. #3 had such a difficult first year for several different reasons (seriously – I should have been medicated. She was putting me into a depression because every minute of my day had to be about her and then add to that, she cried 12-hours a day & off & on through the night). I had completely lost myself, I felt guilty for making my other 2 endure her noise & for the neglect they surely felt and my poor husband was at the end of the priority list just ahead of me. We had always thought of ourselves as a 4-kid family but when it came time to start working on #4 I said NO WAY! If there were even the most remote chance that #4 could be anything like #3 I could. not. do. it. But we did the responsible thing & prayed about it. And wouldn’t you know, we both got a very definite “YES – there is 1 more waiting to join your family.” We were scared to tell each other that we’d gotten a yes because neither of us wanted to risk another difficult baby. But, as He always does, the Lord knew best & gave us what he knew we could handled & our #4 turned out to be our cherry on top. He’s always been easy & a total joy and, like you, I could not imagine our family without him.
Tabatha says
So true! We can make the best plans (in our minds) and then have them drastically transformed for the glory of our King!! 🙂
We have an 8 month old and are now going through the process of international adoption, His ways are better than ours!
Joanne T Ferguson says
G’day! What a beautiful, heart-felt post today, true!
While I am not a religious person (but respect people that are), I do believe we make our own choices in life, but we are also pre-destined that life will unfold, the way it was meant to!
Cheers! Joanne
Laura Burch says
Beautiful! Yes, God IS faithful to enable us to do what He calls us to. He doesn’t call the equipped, but he equips the called. Bless you for your willingness to be used by Him to love those kids. How long have you had Michael and Naomi, and how are they doing now?
radlandon says
We’ve had them for about 5 years, and they’re doing great!