Why Parenting Books Aren’t the Answer

Have you ever read a parenting book? I know I have. It seems as an adoptive and homeschooling mom of five, I have read many, many parenting books, actually. If it’s on Amazon, it’s probably on my Kindle.

You know what I’ve realized after all my reading? Parenting books aren’t the answer. 

Ok, before you flip out and shove your favorite parenting book in my face and tell me how it changed your life, hear me out. 

I’m not saying they can’t help. I’m not saying they can’t make a difference. I think great insights can be gleaned from them. I’m just saying…I think a lot of times, parenting books work for a couple weeks…maybe even a couple months…but then it’s right back into our comfy old patterns, and we’re exasperated again. 

Case in point: chore charts. 

If you have ever been a parent of a small human, you’ve probably done a chore chart. You know the motivation: positive reinforcement, incentives, pretty stickers or magnets…what kid wouldn’t love that? 

After months of nagging little Johnny to pick up his room, brush his teeth, put his dirty laundry away and wipe his bum, you finally Google “how to make kid do chores.” Up pops millions of search results. As a matter of fact, more than 20 million of them:

There are plenty of tips and tricks on how to get kids to do their chores. There are books upon books of advice on people who have “been there, done that” and have glorious wisdom to impart. Or maybe they haven’t even been there, but they still want to give advice.  From charts to reward systems to setting a timer to giving an allowance…really, people, the possibilities are endless. 

And let’s face it, those things are gonna work for awhile. Little Johnny’ll flip his lid when he sees the tasty {gluten free!} candy you have as his reward for completing his tasks for the week. But after a few weeks, he’s gonna get bored. He knows what to expect, and he wants bigger and better. So, you up the ante and add in some financial incentive. Again: for a few weeks, he’s stoked, but after awhile, his little piggy bank fills, and money isn’t as important to him. 

And then? Then you’re left frustrated again, wondering where the heck you’re going wrong and why Little Johnny just won’t do his freakin’ chores!

Or what about when Little Johnny’s sister Sally starts talkin’ smack to you? Again, Google is our friend, right? Now you’re faced with more than 60 million results.

Amazon beckons you with so many parenting books filled with “great tips,” it’s not even funny. 

Send ’em to time out.
Spank ’em.
Humiliate ’em.
Sweet talk ’em.
Cry.

Whatever the “tip” may be, you can bet it’ll work for awhile, but friends, something big’s gotta change. And it most likely isn’t your kids. It’s you. (or me, in this case)

You see, so often we run to parenting books to rescue us from the throws of parenting. And again, there are times when those books can help. But honestly? I don’t believe they will truly solve the problem. 

Because ultimately, it’s us that we need to work on, not them. 

Maybe instead of chore charts and stickers and financial incentives, I just need to work on changing my heart. Because if my heart is soft towards Jesus and spills out love, won’t it overflow into my relationships with my kids, and naturally affect how we relate to each other?

Of course, that’s hard to do. Being introspective, confronting our past, recognizing how our childhoods affect our parenting…it all takes a lot. Physically, emotionally, spiritually…you name it. 

And I’m not saying that by confronting your past, Little Johnny will miraculously do his chores. But the exasperation you experience may just be alleviated, which may in turn affect Little Johnny, which just may not only help motivate him to do his flippin’ chores, but may just improve your relationship.

And isn’t that what it’s about? Don’t we all just want to get along with our kids? Don’t we want them to grow up, leave the nest, get married, give us grandbabies, and then come visit us every Sunday for dinner? Don’t we want them to come to us when a challenge comes their way and pour out their hearts to us, trusting that we will respond in a loving, gentle way? 

Friends, it’s not about the parenting books. 

It’s about us. 

We have to lead by example, and if our kids see us admitting our mistakes, apologizing for the wrongs we do, trying to better ourselves, and talking with them openly, I think the chores and teenage angst and endless questioning of our parenting skills will eventually all smooth out naturally. 

Maybe I’m wrong. After all, my oldest is only 12. Give me another 10 years or so, and I’ll tell you how it’s worked. 

What do you think? Am I way off base? Am I onto something?