This post has been sitting in my drafts folder for months. I’m finally ready to share it.
I really never thought I would write this post. Or maybe I thought if I ever did, it was going to be a different child inspiring it. For some reason, the naive side of me figured our kids would always love being in our home, that they would be forever thankful for the fact that we “saved” them from foster care, become a foster parent, and that they would see us as the loving parents we strive to be.
A few months ago, one of our sons asked to be called by his birth name. This didn’t seem abnormal to me, since another one of our sons went through the same phase a few years ago, and we humored him for a few days, until he decided he wanted to just stick with what we gave him.
As a side note, we kept our kids’ birth names as their middle names when we adopted them. We knew they didn’t have a lot from their past that they could hold onto, and we wanted to respect their history by keeping their given names as their middle names in case they ever wanted to use them.
Back to the story. So our son asked to be called by his birth name. I told him that was fine, I would try, but that he would always be the name we gave him in my mind. So, for a few days, he wrote his birth name on his schoolwork and corrected us when we called him by the “incorrect” name. He seemed to be taking it a bit further than our other son had, but I figured it would pass within a few days.
Then, about a week later, he grabbed a stack of papers and started writing on them. I didn’t really pay much attention until later in the day, when I noticed he was still working on it. It’s pretty strange for him to spend that much time on something like that, so I asked him what he was working on. He said, “Nothing, just something.” I left him alone about it, but over the next few days, noticed he would work on his little project whenever he could, and was being very secretive about it, not letting anyone see.
A few days later, I was cleaning the garage, and I found a stack of papers on the ground outside. I picked it up and thumbed through it and quickly realized it was our son’s “secret” project.
When I first saw it, I was so touched. A beautifully drawn picture, with more detail than I’ve ever seen him draw: trees, flowers, grass…the sun, and smiling people. And then I read what he wrote: To my real mom and dad. From ______________. (I’m not putting his real name here to protect his privacy and ours.) And above the picture of his “dad” said, “I love you son.” Above our son’s self-portrait read, “I love you too” and then above the mom’s head: “Love you son.” And then the clincher: “You’re the best parents in the world.” Insert knife into heart. Slowly turn. The next few pages included a write-up of what our son has been doing, what his life is like, and how he was hoping to meet them.
I have to interject to say, Superman and I have always told our kids that when they turn 18, we will help them find their birth parents if they want to. We have been honest about their histories to the extent that you can with children, but we haven’t sugar-coated their past. I’ve always said that I would have no problem if my kids wanted to connect with their birth parents because I would feel the same way if I were them.
But as I held that stack of papers in my hand, my heart sank. I thought of the love we have given this boy. I thought about where he had come from, what he was like when we brought him home, and what he is like now. I thought about the struggle of having adopted kids and the many, many tears I’ve cried over the years praying and hoping that I would figure it all out.
To be truthful, my feelings were hurt.
I felt defensive. I felt like my heart was bruised. Not broken, but definitely bruised. If only he knew. If only he could see from our lens as an adult and know that we are only doing what’s best for him.
I wanted to run inside, fall down in front of him and tell him his drawings hurt me. I wanted to spew out the many, many reasons he was taken away from his parents so he could see why he is so, so much better off with us. I wanted to ask him why he has never spent so much time drawing me a picture like that. I stood there looking at the drawings and studying the faces of the people he drew. And I wanted to cry. I didn’t, but I wanted to.
Instead, I went inside and quietly called him into our bedroom.
I crouched down on his level, gently handed him his drawings, and said, “I found these pictures you drew. Who are they for?” He replied, “My other parents.” I went on to say, “They’re beautiful drawings. You spent a lot of time on them, huh?” He nodded yes, looking down at the ground. “You may want to guard these pictures more carefully, hun. I know if your siblings found them, they wouldn’t understand, and might be mean about them. So, you drew them for your other parents, huh?” Another nod. “Do you want to meet them sometime?” He nodded again, looking down at the floor. “Has daddy talked to you about some of your history and why you were in foster care and why we adopted you?” “Yeah,” he replied. “You know hun, I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to hide something like this from us. You can always talk to daddy and I about your feelings. It’s completely normal that you will have times when you wish you were living with another family. I had the same feelings growing up, and I wasn’t even adopted! But I don’t want you to be ashamed of those feelings. You can always talk to us about them–we’ll never make fun of you. You know we support you and that if you want to meet your birth parents when you’re older, we’ll help you, right?” Nod.
I continued to tell him how we love him so much, and out of all the kids we could have adopted, we picked him. I told him about how we are so happy he’s in our family, and that I want him to know again that he can talk to us about anything.
Inside, my heart was crushed. I didn’t want to be having this conversation. I wanted my little boy to wrap his arms around me and say, “Mommy, thank you so much for adopting me! I know how hard it is, but thank you!”
Of course, that’s ridiculous, because I live in this little place called reality. And reality hurts sometimes.
So, what does the future hold? I’m really not sure. I would imagine some of our kids will go through these phases of wanting to go live with their “real parents.” And each time we make it through will be another notch in my adoptive mommy belt. But how I respond will determine whether our kids grow up and leave our home bitter and defensive and filled with hurt or happy and joyful and filled with confidence.
I know our kids love us. But there are going to be times when they don’t even know it. And I’m going to have to be cool, calm and collected during those times. I’m going to have to pray and pray and pray some more that God will help me to keep my hurt feelings from making their way to my mouth.
And one day, I pray our kids will grow up, look back on their childhood with us, and realize that they had one of the most loving homes in the world. It’s not a perfect home by any means, but it’s safe, and filled with joy. And mostly, I pray that they will still love and appreciate me, even when they meet birth parents, birth siblings, and blood relatives.
It’s a true test of faith, friends. But thankfully, I have a ton of it. I believe my God is bigger than any of my hurts or fears and He will work all things together for good, to those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose.
Being an adoptive parent is hard.
Update: a few days after I wrote this post, our son was back to wanting to be called by the name we gave him, and he hasn’t mentioned it since. That doesn’t mean it’ll never come up again, but in the meantime, we’ll love on him just like we always do.
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Sarah Malone says
Oh, wow! This post spoke to me on so many levels, and I’m not even an adoptive parent. Shanti, thank you for sharing your heart yet again. You are so real, vulnerable and authentic, and I love that so much about you and your blog. Blessings to you on your journey as an adoptive mommy!
Shanti Landon says
Thank you so much, Sarah. <3 Your encouragement means a lot!
amber g. says
Such a sweet, sweet post. Thank you for sharing!
Shanti Landon says
Thanks, Amber! <3
Darren S. says
I’m an adoptive father, and this post pierced my heart. Thank you for sharing. It is such a long, hard journey we are on, and I truly don’t believe people understand unless they are walking it themselves. It may not seem like a big deal to some, but having your child want to go back to their “real parents” is like a knife in your heart, when you know the pain they came from. Thank you again for putting into words what I have felt many times before.
Shanti Landon says
Darren, thank you so much for your comment. I agree–it is difficult to explain something like this to someone who is not an adoptive parent. I always say adopting through foster care is a ministry, and should be approached as such. There are many, many ups and downs, but by God’s grace and strength, it is rewarding and filled with blessings too! Thanks again for your response!
Tina says
You are doing an incredible job raising your kids and showing them you respect them. Kudos to you for allowing them to share their feelings without fear of retaliation. One day they WILL thank you!
Shanti Landon says
Thank you, Tina! <3
adrienne says
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing. I don’t have any adopted kids, but my oldest is going through a very very rough time – so this really spoke to my heart. We’re all dealing with something.
Blessings.
Shanti Landon says
Thinking of you, Adrienne! <3
Mandy says
Well done, Mama! This is exactly how it is. I have to believe that this perfect order in which God places children, is constantly refining us and every member of the family. We haven’t reached this moment yet, but the curious conversations are there. It must be hard to work out in a child’s mind. We are also very open and speak our gratitude for the biological parents because they made our beautiful child. Adopted children can be challenging but I genuinely feel it causes a deeper, more real place of faith. Blessings.
Shanti Landon says
Thanks, Mandy! I know you understand!
Jenny says
I’m sort of waiting for this day to come with one of my kids. I’m praying that I’ll have the same level of grace you had and be able to remember that it’s not about a deficiency in me but about a longing in my child for healing of something that never should have been broken. Beautiful story, Shanti. Thanks again for sharing.
Shanti Landon says
Thank you, Jenny! <3 Praying for you and your kiddos.
mikyo says
“it’s not about a deficiency in me but about a longing in my child for healing of something that never should have been broken”
exactly. as an adult adoptee this really speaks to me. thank you
Courtney says
What a wonderful mom you are! So brave to speak these sweet words to your son and give him the permission to have these feelings. I’m an adopted child and really never had this permission or had anyone who wasn’t scared to death to talk to me about the subject. So many lies have been told to me that it’s been a very challenging adult life. I desperately wish I knew my story and my heritage. May you continue to be such a patient and loving blessing to these children.
Courtney
Brittany at Equipping Godly Women says
Awwww. I think you handled it perfectly. It’s not you. It’s normal to be curious.
Marisa says
What a blessing you are to that precious child, to authenticate and provide an avenue for him to release the feelings he has in his heart. May God bless you richly for first of all adopting him and second of all showing him God’s unconditional love through your actions and words 🙂
Nicole says
Shanti,
My heart could feel all your pain! My greatest fear is my son reconnecting with his birth mom and being manipulated to no end by her. Thank you for your post, it spoke to my heart!
Shanti Landon says
Thanks, Nicole! <3
Melissa says
I love your transparency! You inspire me constantly!
Shanti Landon says
Thank you, Melissa! <3
Tamara p. says
Beautiful post…can’t even imagine. The Lord must’ve really helped you with your responses when your heart was so hurt. Thank you for sharing!
George says
Well our son who we adopted at 13 turned 18 and wanted to find his bio-mom. He was surrendered to CAS at 5 because his mom could not deal with a child who is Developmentally Delayed. He was in 3 different foster care homes for 8 years.
We did everything we could to raise him to be a competent person but at 18 that all changed. Within a week of contacting his bio-mom he moved in with her and severed all ties with us. He insisted on having his last name changed back to his original name. No one in his new home work as they are all on social assistance. They all receive a Government Pension because of their disabilities.
It’s too bad we have not heard from him since the week before Christmas. Now that he is an adult he is in full control of his situation and there is nothing we can do.
Oh we do hear from his bio-mom when he does not receive his $900 check from the Government . Sigh….
Wanda says
Have you ever thought that your son responded the way he did because he honestly doesn’t want to be in your home? Kids don’t do things like that unless they have a REASON to. If you were really the “great parents” that you say you are, why would he want to go live with someone else?
George says
Hey there Wanda,
Not sure if you were speaking of me or the writer of this article. Somehow I doubt you have faced something similar but I appreciate you taking the time to write a response
search co-op facebook says
It really I bet has nothing to do with the OP not being a great parent, she’s not his parent and not his Mom who owes it to him to be raising him. Maybe his Mom can’t raise him for some reason but she is is Mom and should be raising him. I think the OP was cruel when she told the child to guard the pictures or the other children in the house might find them and be mean to him about him wanting his Mother and Father. That was a back handed veilied snide way of telling him what he did and how he feels could make him the target of bullying. Telling him that she would help him find them when he is older does nothing to address how he was feeling at the moment. She should have asked him if he would like to send his Mom and Dad the pictures and she should have kept the originals and sent them a copy. She should have given him a box for all the artwork he wants to send them and allowed him to write to them and say whatever he wants on an on going basis. She should have invited them to skype with him and have facebook contact with him on a regular basis so that the contact is productive and allows the parents to behave like parents showing an interest in his daily activities so they can provide even a fraction of what they owe him. Anyone that stands between a child and their parents being able to forge the basis for a parent child relationship not just visitation is going against God’s will and is violating the natural born rights of the person they adopted. Adoption should only be enforced until it is not needed. If she does not allow him to communicate with them freely he’ll always feel prisonar. She should be very careful not to be wanting exclusive parental title – using them to further a social media influencer career is particularly disturbing.
Dale says
Hello Shanti, how are you? I have recently learned that being an adopted parent is a ministry. My adopted son who is actually my great nephew was taken from his biological mother and stepfather. His stepfather murdered his older brother who was 22 months old at the time of his death. Long story short I adopted him and 25 years later my son goes back to his biological mother to figure out who he is, (my opinion) but he said, “he’s trying to put the family together!” I allowed this door to be open since his biological mom is my niece, but it has been a struggle because of confusion. He is an adult now and needs some clarity. It does hurt and I often asked questions about my parenting. What I have learned is tha God gave him to me so that he could remain in the family to be loved and nurtured. That’s ministry and a test of my faith. No matter what happens I thank God for his mercy and that young man who I adopted will forever be my son! God bless you and your family for all that you do for the children placed in your families care. Continue to find strength in the Lord because he will see you and your husband through! Whatever the enemy meant for harm God will turn that thing around for his good. Dale
Shanti Landon says
Hi, Dale, thank you for sharing your story! What a blessing you have been to your great nephew. You are right, it is definitely a ministry, and a calling! Many blessings to you for answering God’s call! Thank you for your encouragement, too.
Angelica says
It’s disgusting that you bought your children. If you couldn’t have kids of your own, maybe you should have gotten a dog. Kids deserve to stay with their REAL parents, not be forced into a home they don’t want to be in.
Shanti Landon says
Dear misinformed friend,
I decided when I was six years old that I was going to adopt a child when I grew up. I knew there were children in the world who needed stable homes, and I wanted to help. Thankfully I was blessed with a husband who shared the same burden as I. We were not in a position of “having” to adopt—we CHOSE to adopt. After having one biological child, we chose (on purpose) not to have any more kids biologically, but to grow our family through adoption.
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you don’t understand how the adoption process works, or what is involved in parenting a child out of foster care, so please let me help.
You say that kids deserve to stay with their REAL parents. You are correct. Our kids DESERVED to have awesome birth parents. They deserved a mom and dad who lavished them with love and attention. They deserved to grow up in a home where their parents loved each other, where there was no drug or alcohol abuse, no domestic violence, and no moment of being ripped away from their families in order to save them {literally}. They deserved to have a childhood free of brokenness and distress.
But you know what? That’s not what our kids got. They were dealt a hand OPPOSITE of that. Your flippant, ignorant comment saying our children “shouldn’t be forced into a home they don’t want to be in” is hurtful and shows your severe misunderstanding of what we are doing as parents. Did our kids have a choice? Nope. Did they want to come live with us? Most likely not. Each of us is born with a certain loyalty and love for our birth family, no matter how much dysfunction or pain it may bring. But will they grow up and see that we love them deeply and unconditionally, and that we only wanted to protect them and give them the best chance at a successful, free, healthy life? My prayer is just that.
When I first read your comment, I have to admit that I was grieved. But I try to look below the surface of people’s comments and remarks, and when I really READ your remarks, I realized that you must have been hurt deeply by someone in your own life. If this is the case, I truly am sorry for the injustices done to you. I believe it is your own anguish coming out through your words, and I don’t blame you for that.
Let’s focus on the fact that ALL kids deserve to stay with their real parents, and let’s help equip broken people to shatter vicious cycles of violence and drug use so that they can create an environment of stability for their families. I think the best way to do that is to provide parents with resources and tools to help them break these cycles. If you’re local to my area, the Lighthouse Counseling & Family Resource Center does an incredible job of just that. Let’s turn our eyes away from blame and onto helping people change their futures.
From,
A mom who loves her kids and hurts for their loss
Janie wilson says
Shanti loved your story, but i need help is it possible to talk
Shanti Landon says
Hi, Janie! I just sent you an email. <3
Marcie Dietrich says
Would it be possible to send you an email? I really need your advice. We have one bio child and 4 children adopted to social services. Thank you so much and God bless!
Marcie Dietrich says
Sorry I meant our children were adopted through Social Services.
Shanti Landon says
Marcie, of course! You can email me at: shanti@lifemadefull.com
John says
Hi, Shanti! I’m an adopted son. i was adopted by my aunt when i was 8 years old, she took me from my biological parents, my real father is her brother, and my real mother is her sister in law, I really want to go back to my real family. Because, i don’t feel loved here, I want to find my real self.
Can you please advice me?
i don’t want to hurt my adoptive parents.
I’m 18 years old now, things sure changed alot when i became a teenager.