I’m so sorry.
I didn’t understand.
I judged you and thought, If your kid doesn’t turn in homework, you must not be giving him harsh enough consequences. You must not being consistent. You must not be following through.
I assumed it was a parenting issue, not a child issue.
You need to take away TV. According to a Dominoes Gold review, you need to take away video games instead. You need to make him go to bed early. You need to take away treats. You need to give him an assignment book to get signed by his teacher. You need to ground him. You need to take every. single. thing. away until he realizes that turning in his work will result in privileges being returned.
And then, then he will turn his homework in. Because it wouldn’t make sense if he didn’t.
I am so, so sorry.
Because now, I understand.
Now I am the mom of the child who just doesn’t make any sense at all.
It all started with positive reinforcement: keeping grades up and turning in assignments equaled video game time or a later bed time or a special treat and praise from mom and dad. That worked. For about ten minutes. Slowly but surely, he stopped turning things in. Then, we started taking things away. First, it was video game privileges. Then, it was TV time (we let our kids watch Netflix from about 6 pm to 7 pm weeknights). Then, it was time with friends. Until everything except this child’s bed, pillow and blanket was taken away.
He goes to school (with an assignment book to get signed by his teacher, I might add), spends the day doing who-knows-what (not paying attention, I can tell you that), and then comes home with his appropriate assignments listed in his assignment book (sometimes).
I check it.
I make sure he does it.
And then….nothing.
He leaves it at home. Or in his backpack. Or on the bus. Or God knows where. And it never makes its way to the teacher.
And when he has an assignment at school and doesn’t finish it, instead of bringing it home to complete, he’ll stick it in his cubby and forget about it.
And, on the rare occasion that he does do an assignment and turn it in, he does a crappy job. He leaves half of them blank, until I check it and point out the ones he missed, then he’ll do a few more, then a few more, then a few more…you get the picture. His work ethic is pretty much non-existent.
I have met with the teacher. I have walked in with him and made him talk to her while I was there to ask about what he could do to be more responsible.
I am now the parent who is failing. Because nothing I can do, nothing can make him turn his work in, aside from someone else doing it for him, which will never happen, because that teaches him nothing.
It makes absolutely no sense. Why would someone put in time to do an assignment just to get zero credit?
I understand this child doesn’t have the mental capability of looking into the future and seeing what tomorrow will bring. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t even know how to plan for the next minute. He is a child of impulses. He wants something right now, so he does it. He doesn’t care if five minutes later, his world will crumble.
I’ve given him every tool I can without completely enabling him.
I’ve helped him make task lists. I’ve given him colorful folders with dividers. I’ve reminded him what privileges will be returned if he just turns his assignments in. I’ve given him set homework time and reminded him in the morning as he leaves to make sure he turns in his homework.
But it doesn’t work.
Until that motivation comes from within himself, it’s going to be a constant battle.
So, parent of a child who doesn’t turn in his homework: I’m sorry. I am so very sorry that I ever thought I understood when I really didn’t. I had no. idea.
But now I do. It’s exhausting. It’s draining and discouraging and frustrating and saddening. Because I want him to do well so badly. It’s not even about the grades. It’s about setting his mind to a task and completing it. It’s about having pride in his work, and pride in himself, and the confidence that he can do well if he puts his mind to it.
So, please: give me your best ideas for helping a child who doesn’t turn his work in. I’m pretty sure I’ve already tried them. But I’m willing to listen now because I realize I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. I’ve heard good reviews on homework help websites and we’ll try that next. I’m just hoping I can make it to this kid’s graduation and see him walk across the stage. Because that will be a miracle in and of itself. Why not add in study table which can maintain aesthetics and comforts, encourage and motivate your children do their homework? For sure, this will work!
Holly says
I am sitting here in tears as I read this. THANK YOU!! I can’t even tell you how hard it has been for me dealing with this same exact thing with my son. I wish I had answers. I have tried everything you have. People always tell me that I need to be more consistent, give him firmer boundaries…but I do! You put into words exactly what I feel every single day. It is SO hard and you are right–exhausting. Thank you for saying this, and thank you for being transparent, it made me feel like I’m not the only mom out there struggling with this.
Shanti Landon says
Holly, thank you for your comment. <3 Praying for you on your journey!
Kid that didn't do homework says
Your child is probably rebelling in the only way that they know they can fight back against you, without being openly defiant. I have been that child.
marnie gray says
really? when child is sobbing because they don’t know why or what is wrong that they c an’t remember to turn it in? that is probably rebellion?
Rochelle Hoyt says
No, you do not understand ADHD…and this comment is completely uncalled for. Those parents that do not have a child with ADHD have no idea what we as parents go through. It is not defiance, it is the farthest thing from defiance. My daughter has met with counselors and psychiatrists and clearly states it not defiance she wants to do her best, but ADHD just gets in her way. Please, if you no nothing about the subject please do not respond. This is a forum made for parents that are trying to do the best for their wonderful children that have unfortunately been strapped with a disorder that is hard to control. It’s not their fault. We are trying to find ways to help them…make them into functioning adult who are able to have a wonderful life.
Joel says
Are you my parents? Nearly ten years after I left school for the final time, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD and beginning to treat it. After several flunked attempts at college, struggling in my daily life and personal life, considerable debt and C-PTSD and trauma due to my poor frustrated parents, stymied by my “act of rebellion”, desperate attempts to control me.
When you attribute spite and malice to a child, rather than ignorance, lack of coping skills and potential medical issues, you are the problem. Point blank. That is a small little human being reliant on your understanding and compassion. When a baby screams, it’s because they don’t have the language to articulate the issue. You have to help figure out what is wrong and help fix it. You don’t – or shouldn’t – let the baby scream without first checking if they have a dirty diaper, haven’t been feed, napped soon, etc.
This is an old post, by several years, but it still needs to be said.
Heather says
As a parent who is struggling with this issue, I thank you for this article. I have two kids one has an IEP and gets services. My other child is clearly struggling, but the school can point out the assignments she is missing but can offer no help. They did hand me some pamphlets of phone numbers I could try to get help. She is completely shutting down and is now refusing to go to school. She says she doesn’t want to ask for help or how to do something she doesn’t understand for fear of getting yelled and embarrassed by her class mates. I don’t know what to do or where to start. I know this post is from 2020 but in the event someone sees this know that I felt heard for the first time.
Jeff says
Wasn’t sure how to make my own comment, and I know this is an old thread, but I wanted to know if you had any resolution for your child?
This story sounds exactly like my life growing up. I have always been intelligent, clever, and creative, but have also had extreme issues when it came to forgetfulness and ethics. I would do my homework in class and just throw it in my backpack. Every semester, my parents would come in for their P-T-C, and along with my teacher would go through my backpack, and pull out crumpled but nearly completed or completed assignment’s.
This lasted until I graduated. I would absolutely crush tests, but still never turn in paper assignments, projects, or creative work. I still couldn’t figure it out. Now I’m an adult, and still have the same issues, though different in ways because of the environment.
I’m working with a clinician now, trying to works towards a diagnosis, and is looking line I might be on the spectrum autism. Hoping for ways to help, and looking for ways to help others.
Shanti Landon says
It’s a journey for sure. Our son is 17 now, and has gotten much better about doing his work, but still struggles a lot with academics.
Audie HD says
I was this kid for the most part. When I wasn’t losing or forgetting about my assignments, I’d feel like they weren’t good enough to turn in. I was diagnosed with autism as an adult.
Melissa says
This sounds like you literally took all these words out of my head. Thank You! I feel like I’ve been failing, and it’s beyond frustrating and DRAINING. Thank You for letting me know I’m not alone!
Renee says
I walked through this journey with 3 of my 4 kids. I strongly suggest reading the book, “The Way They Learn” by Cynthia Tobias. Literally for over 30 years has been addressing the diverse learning styles of children. Trust me, you will be changed by her books and insight – her website is: cynthiatobias.com
Renita says
Hi I am going thru the same thing with my 11yr old daughter. Also he hoping to get ideas on what to do next as like you I’ve tried everything.
Stacey says
Mom of an 11 year old daughter going through the same, too! DRAINING!
Davina says
I feel the same way I have the same thing going as well and I feel I’m all alone. His dad is a weekend dad and his step dad tells me to be firmer on him but I do and I am
Terra says
I see this was written 4 years ago. Any update or anything you can further share? We are really struggling with our son, and your post speaks to my every day Life. Only issue is he is now in high school, and it has continued. I just got done lecturing him, reminding him that he has to be the one to do the work, turn it in, talk with teachers when he doesn’t understand something, or ask us! I reminded him that he is the one making the conscience decision to fail every time he doesn’t turn his work in. But nothing. Nothing. So I am sitting here in tears, and I sent him away to work on work that probably won’t get turned in. Looking for any advice.
Laura says
I feel your pain. My son is a junior and being the most important one in high school I now struggle with letting him fail vs supporting him enough to teach him the skills necessary for the future. I don’t know the answer – just know you’re not alone.
Christy says
Wow! 7 months after the last post and I’M CRYING because I am ready to beat my head into the wall. My therapist told me today that ultimately, a good mother wouldn’t keep trying, disciplining, talking, yelling, bribing, emailing teachers, constantly checking binders and going to therapy over their son if they were not a good mother, so at least the self-doubt part to this mess can be over-ruled. I just emailed my 8th grade son’s math teacher that I did a binder check this morning, his homework was complete and in the binder and she said he didn’t turn it in……he told me on the phone just now “I’m not doing this on purpose, I just couldn’t find it, but don’t worry, I turned it in after school.” I don’t understand my son’s brain or what planet he is on because it is not mine. All I can do is pray and love and never give up on us both.
Deb says
I know these comments are old, so I’m not sure if you’ll see this reply, but I have a 9th grader who has been having these struggles. I’ve been looking into Executive Functioning issues, and it’s like someone is describing my son. Look up Seth Perler’s website or his YouTube channel, or search for any of the 20+ podcasts he has been a guest on–you will swear he is talking about your kid. That’s because he was that kid. We are just digging into the hard work here, but I know this is going to be a long-term struggle. Trying to stay focused and keep the faith that we’ll get there.
Hugs from a mom who knows what you are going through.
Jan says
Thank you so much, for Seth Perler’s website, podcasts & YouTube channel. I read your post and quickly looked him up – I feel that he can hopefully help me and my daughter. During the pandemic with on-line learning, my daughter’s who is in grade 11, marks are dropping, she is not handing in homework, while telling me she has, until I receive an email from her teacher. The lack of accountability, structure and face-to-face contact in-school is completely derailing all the progress she has made over the years in school. It has been a gradual process to get her where she is now … and it is now unravelling. I hope Seth can provide some tools to help.
Matthew Fellows says
Same here. Our son is now in 9th grade and it’s a constant struggle.
N/A says
Hello! I am a kid currently going through the struggles of doing school during the pandemic. I wanted to add, if it is stressful for you, imagine how much pressure is piled on top of our shoulders. We can feel how agitated you are with us and it almost makes us more unmotivated. With expectations from everybody, it’s is certainly hard to keep up. I have many missing assignments which I KNOW I NEED to work on, but that spark to do them just isn’t there. Having to worry like this stresses me out to the EXTREME. Us students just wish that older generations would understand. Also, I am not trying to hate on anybody, I am just trying to put things into perspective for everybody.
Mom says
Thank you for sharing your perspective too ❤️
Tracy says
My daughter is telling me the same, but how do we help?? Just letting it go isn’t the solution.
Janelle Scranton says
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Shanti, your honesty is so refreshing. So many people try to pretend they have it all together, but I know they secretly struggle. Thank you for putting this out there. I can relate on so many levels.
Shanti Landon says
<3 Thank you, Janelle!
Sarah Malone says
Crying. =( You are so amazing.
Shanti Landon says
You are so sweet, Sarah. I’m not amazing, though, just trying to survive and allow God to work through all this!
Kim P. says
From one mom to another: You’re not alone. Sending big hugs your way. I don’t have the answer…my son was the same way growing up. He’s now 27 and is still the same way. He hasn’t been able to hold a job, a girlfriend, etc. He’s a really sweet guy, just is always down on his luck. I always hoped he would grow out of it, but at some point realized it’s just how he is. I don’t support him, he lives on his own, but barely. I don’t say that to discourage you, but to let you know sometimes you just have to let go of the expectations. You’re right—if your son doesn’t want to change, he never will. It has to come from him.
Shanti Landon says
Thank you for your honesty, Kim. Praying for your son as well as mine!
KD says
Hang in there Mama! I say that as the mama of a HS senior who is “that kid”
He’ll walk across that stage next month and into the real world. For my kid it was finding what worked for him, he’s bright, easily bored, creative, energetic… (He even loves to read and at one point I grounded him from reading non-academic books because that’s what he was doing instead of homework, reading things like Shakespeare) All the things that can be great in the adult world that don’t work well in our current school model. Its been hard walking a line to have him “check the boxes” without crushing his creativity. I honestly don’t know that he would have made it through without athletics though. His coach and HS athletic director who benched him at least once every season because of academics. They were as frustrated as I was.
He’s going to approach adulthood in his own way, he has a real job that he was recruited for over college grads because of his creativity and he’ll plug away at community college for that piece of paper that will open more doors down the line. He’s finally looking down the road but we’re all relieved to be leaving school behind!
At this point, I’m excited to see what his future holds, but I wasn’t sure we would make it through when he was younger.
Shanti Landon says
Thank you for your encouragement, KD!
Stephanie says
My brother was like this, he’s 25 now and he’s still like this but he realised something was wrong and got himself tested. Turns out he’s got ADD. His brain never has a moment of piece, he’s distracted by everything, and so very forgetful. He can only concentrate and put in the effort when he’s really interested. We thought he could barely read until he was 8. Turns out he wasn’t interested in school reading zssignments but if you gave him a book about animals (even an encyclopedia) he would read it to you, perfectly! So maybe you should have your kid tested, not to fix him but to find an explanation and piece of mind. You can start afresh after that. He might just better at school than we perceive him to be.
Shanti Landon says
Thanks, Stephanie. Our son was diagnosed with ADD a few years ago, and is on meds. They are helpful behaviorally, and even academically, but he obviously still struggles. Thanks for your insights!
Barbara says
Mine is graduating high school in a week! But it has been a struggle since day one. I helped and worked with him the way you have until just a few years ago. Sadly, in public high school, a D is a passing grade. So….. graduating, yes…. barely, yes….. do I care??? NO. Because, even though we have struggled, I can see the amazing young man he is and is becoming. He loves his family, he is kind, he is so funny, he loves his country and wants to defend it, he loves God. What helped me realize that he will be okay is having young men in our lives that WERE him in high school and seeing that they turned out just fine. I read books on teens and brain development and different personality types and how teens see the world. I reminded myself over and over again that he is not yet an adult with an adult perspective or life experiences. I wish I could tell you how to help him change, but, from my own experience, I can’t. But what I learned is that it’s okay to let them fail. It’s okay to be disappointed. But it’s also okay to see past a letter grade on a paper to the heart of your child. Hard work….. yes. Worth it….. yes. Love you and praying for you!!!!
Shanti Landon says
I agree, thanks, Barbara!! <3
Erin Fulton says
OMG, thank you for that! From the bottom of my soul, I needed to hear that today…
Sarah says
It sounds like he might have ADD. I know that is the fall back diagnose but there really are people who do. My husband and son have it. I will always have to homeschool him. My husband will always call in the middle of the day frustrated and unable to sort his thoughts. I watched the video from “ADD and loving it” realized my definition of it was wrong. I thought it was hyper activity. But it’s the inability to focus. Like long enough to walk home work from the desk to the back pack. If you think about it, he has probably always been this “spacey” but being home schooled let you tailor to him. My son and husband have lists every where to remind them what to do. It’s not debilitating but it takes thinking outside of the box. For us, because we thought my son was lazy or unmotivated the hardest part of ADD was rebuilding his self esteem. I don’t think people naturally want to fail. I think I’d they are failing it’s for a reason. Just my thought….
Shanti Landon says
Thank you, Sarah. Yes, my son has ADD as well and is on meds for it. I know God can work beyond a diagnosis, though, and am praying for a miracle for him! Thanks for your comment!
Ellen Poore says
I had 2 boys like that and now a girl… Same general issues, but completely different than the boys… If it is of any consolation, some grow out of it, or finally get it! Just keep plugging away, I know it’s frustrating, but some things all we can do is pray and wait, and then it seems that God had control the whole time and I did all this worrying and blaming myself, for no reason. My oldest boy is 21 and in his 3rd year of college, but it had taken him since 2012 so far. He has a good job too, and he is doing great there. My younger son is now a Freshman in high school. Still struggling, but doing his best, which we are very happy with… My daughter is 11 and in 6th grade and I currently feeling like it will never end and she will never get it, but I am trying to just keep on keeping on… And did I mention praying… Lol. I didn’t mention my oldest daughter because she has CP and motor delay, she is 17! We are fortunate that she is cognitively normal, but physically completely dependent. She is an Amazing girl as well! As you are, we are grateful for the people they have made us! I will keep you in my prayers! Please keep us in yours…. Hope this helps! ?
Shanti Landon says
Thank you for sharing, Ellen! I am doing my best to be patient and wait on God! <3
Lauren says
Honestly there are no good studies to show that homework is good for kids until 7 th grade so maybe opt out of homework he needs more time to play. If his school is really academic it might just be too much! Listen to your kids. Look at Finland there model of schooling has them number one in the nation We are 29 th in the nation.
Shanti Landon says
Thanks, Lauren. It’s not just homework. It’s every area of his life. He really doesn’t have much homework at all, and was like this when we homeschooled as well. It is just something we are working with and trying to survive and allow God to work in!
Joyce says
This is my kid, too. We’ve tried everything, too. With one exception and I’m trying that now:
Let him be him. Let him do him. Cause and effect and actions (or lack of) have consequences.
We’ve explained what the consequences are. But for my son, those are acceptable. He doesn’t care about grades in subjects that don’t matter to him. Only enough so that he doesn’t get into trouble.
He doesn’t care about his teachers this year. This year, his teachers are on a power trip and are trying to cram his star shaped peg into a round hole. And he won’t be crammed. I applaud that about him.
Much of his homework is simply to prove that he has studied. But his tests reflect that he knows the material. He doesn’t want to get onboard with proving to other people that he knows what he knows. I applaud that about him, too.
IMO – and no judgment here, this is what was suggested to me: Look at the bigger picture: Is your child learning? My child has an amazing capacity for learning, just not through worksheets. my husband and I engage him on the topics and he knows his stuff. Or at least what they have taught him… We correct their ‘facts’ when necessary and he GETS it.
I don’t know how old your child is or how important the grades are to you. But maybe your child also has a star shaped peg that won’t be crammed into their round holes.
As for the homework and the grades – when I relaxed on him and asked him do his best, he improved. When I told him I accept him for being him, he improved. When I told him I agreed that homework for the sake of homework was silly, he improved. He felt listened to and heard.
*Disclaimer, we still have this battle and I assume it will be ongoing. I just keep refocusing my attention to the question – is he learning?
Just my pennies.
Shanti Landon says
Thanks, Joyce. It’s not really his grades that are important to us, although at least *passing* would be nice. It’s more knowing he is interested in *something*, willing to work at *something*…he just has no work ethic and isn’t interested in doing anything, no matter what we’ve put in front of him. The best thing I can do is pray for him and his heart, and that God would use him to do amazing things!
Michelle says
What does *he* say about the situation? And what *does* he do with the time (at home) when he is not doing homework but also not watching tv or playing video games? (Playing with his siblings? Reading? Staring into space?)
FWIW, I was kind of that kid – and part of the problem was undiagnosed AD(H)D – but even w the diagnosis and the meds, it’s still hard sometimes…
Summer says
Thank you, and all people who have written here!! I am reading this -Oct 2019- b/c I am in same situation with my son! He has an assignment book, teacher signs it, I sign it, and a homework folder…yet homework doesn’t always make it out of homework folder to be turned in. Maybe I will try making teacher sign his hw folder too. I like the star shaped peg analogy 🙂
Trying to remind myself to accept and just show love.
Thank you.
Calista says
Oh, yes…I am so right there with you. I just had an IEP meeting with my son’s school yesterday. My kiddo {he’s in 6th grade} has an issue with processing the information he receives and then knowing what to do with that information. So, we’re going to work on that and he’ll have a couple of SPED classes next year. Our thought is to help him boost his confidence since that has taken a beating pretty much since he started school. The other part of it is asking his pediatrician what needs to be done about it and I know they’re going to tell me he needs drugs. I want to try some all-natural stuff before though, just to see if it makes a difference. I started him on it on May 3rd and I plan to have him take it all summer since it can take 1-2 months to see results. I’ll have a good barometer too since he’s going to summer school. Rest assured that you are not alone and my prayers are with you!
Dana says
Is it possible for your so to complete assignments online? That way when he’s done, he can just hit send and not have to worry about transporting paper back and forth? In addition, because your son has ADHD, he could seek some type of accommodation for the (504). This has been a godsend for my son.
Rochelle Hoyt says
I thought that was going to be our fix, but unfortunately that doesn’t even work. She finishes a project, paper, homework and then decides she wants to review it. Goes onto another subject and completely forgets to go back review and hit send. It is sooo exasperating. She’s very smart, would pretty much be getting all A’s, but can’t turn in her homework and then Aces the exams.
Ellen says
Two of my sons were much like this. I remember delivering one to the school counselor to be escorted to his classes because otherwise he would just disappear from school. I was pregnant with my 5th and exhausted and he was only 12! He is super smart with a near eidetic memory and a very logical mind. It just didn’t make sense to him to “waste” all of that time on school and homework when he could be reading a book or playing sports. He is now nearly 40 and in upper management in a growing company. Because he finally found his own reasons for doing things. My youngest son just never had any motivation and tended to just ride along on the coat-tails of the people around him. Most of his jobs have been ones that a friend or sibling pushed him to apply for. But he has worked his way up a few steps in his current job and just bought a house. The reason for buying the house? He bought a classic car (in pieces) and needed someplace to work on it. Backwards to you and me, but, at 28, he is making progress. I tell people that the best part of having 5 kids is that I know it isn’t ALL my fault or they would all be messed up the same instead of so incredibly different! Praying for all of the tired mamas out there trying so hard.
Pam says
I have 2 sons like this. One Jay graduated high school and I’m terrified of what he’s going to đo in college in terms of quality and consistency.
Ryan says
Does your child have a digital watch, cell phone or an ipod? He can set an alarm for 5 minutes after getting to class that alerts him to turn in the homework. You could even make it say, “Did you turn in your homework?” as the alert tone. Just a thought.
Shanti Landon says
Interesting idea, Ryan! Thanks!
SoftballMom says
Struggling too with the same problem, I have a child capable of straight A’s. Does her homework but does not turn it in. She is an amazing athlete, travel softball in which you have to a certain GPA to stay on the team which she meet the GPA while hanging on by a thread. Love this idea!
Dena says
Hi Shanti! I know you have moved past this article (summers here and the dreaded school thing starts up again soon)…but I felt compelled to respond to your situation as we face the same circumstances in our home and I can relate…
I know the saying well “God helps those who help themselves”, but boy have we tried everything to help our (you know who) son! It’s discouraging and heartbreaking to have the schools (in our case) representative expect more than he can give, despite his Innate abilities and intelligence. I was hoping you had some grand solution at the end of your article that could shed light for us. Here’s what my counselor has said to me (yep, sought out help because it was so overwhelmingly discouraging)… She said
“He will be fine! (Was glad to hear that for the first time!!) His grades do not define him, especially in Gods eyes. He will find his “thing” one day and When he does she encouragingly said, ADHD kids can contribute so much to our world because they are hyper focused, not in spite of it. Though hard to let go of the academia are house desires, I am learning to care more about who God created him to be (yep, he made him this way purposely) and less about the worlds expectations of him. I am a work in progress, so pray for Gods infinite plan for all our dear sweet children that they may know Him above all else and that we as parents can give God room to do His will…trust that He did not make any mistakes when creating our challenging children so keep the faith and keep advocating!!! Sorry no new ideas here…
Shanti Landon says
Love that, Dena! Thank you for sharing!! Definitely my prayer for my boy. =)
FS says
Does anything help? My 9 year old is the exact same way. It was difficult in 2016 when he was in 3rd grade. I was pregnant and unwell, and he didn’t do one day of homework AND daydreamed and didn’t even finish 1/4th of his exams. 4th grade started a week ago, and it’s the same thing again. There was a PTA meeting 4 days in, and the teacher said hello, and then told me about missing homework. I’m at wits end,and with a newborn I can’t do this.
Shanti Landon says
Hi, FS. Sorry it took me a few days to get back to you. My in-laws took over helping my son every day last semester, and while his grades improved with the one-on-one help, it was still a constant frustration for them having him leave books at school, forget assignments in his backpack, etc. It’s really hard! I wish I had some wisdom on this, but I am still just hoping and praying each day that he takes ownership at some point. It’s a hard road to walk, I’m so sorry! Praying your son is able to take ownership of his own education as well! Hang in there, mama, and remember that this too shall pass. You can only do the best you can do, and at some point your son (and mine!) will need to step it up to make decisions for themselves. What’s helped the most for me is letting go of my expectations, and trusting the Lord to carry those burdens for me. <3
Heather says
Dear Shanti,
It has been well over a year since you posted this article, and I hope you don’t mind me saying that I stumbled upon it today and I loved reading what you wrote. Yesterday, my very gifted, but under-achieving and easily distracted 11 year old son said the following to me, “I don’t care if I’m smart. I’m useless if I can’t focus, can’t finish my work, can’t get good grades…. I’ll never be a scientist (he wants a career in science). I give up! Nobody has to waste their time on me anymore.”.
A little background: My son has been going through everything you wrote about to a “T”, and I as a parent tried everything you mentioned above. Ever since Kindergarten, his teachers and the school administrators also pitched in — oh, those wonderful people! But, alas it only helped to an extent.
This morning I decided to come to terms with my denial and booked a psychiatric evaluation for my son for possible ADD or ADHD. After I hung up the phone, I cried… until I read your article and the responses from other parents.
Again, thank you for this beautiful article.
Shanti Landon says
Thank you for your kind words, Heather! I feel you. Praying for you as you raise your kiddo!
Angela says
I am at the beginning of this NOW, and yes he has ADD. But I know that diagnosis is totally for the expectation of the school. When we homeschooled, as long as he got the concept he would practice and we would introduce the next. He is intelligent and clever, although he needs to discipline himself in reading. I (the mother) think I also have ADD. I daydreamed all the way through school, missed important details about my family members growing up, didn’t pick up on social cues until later, or until someone was looking at me weird. BUT I was a reader. That was what I loved to do as a kid, he is a video gamer, and trust me we have cut ALL of that off during the school year. It indeed is that self motivation that is needed. I have taken to trying to get him to relate to grades like points in a game (in this case Sonic rings), even bought a toy that makes the sound. The hardest part is trying to stay positive in from of him, and not have him see our faces of disappointment or anger (it happens often). I am interested in knowing what did the medication actually help with? Did it improve his grades or his work habits? Serious inquiry. I am slo to pursue the medication because I am afraid it would altar his personality in some way. He is an awesome kids, caring, funny (like really funny), and can be the life of our family parties…what has been your experience with the medication>
Shanti Landon says
Hi, Angela! Meds helped our son focus better for sure. His behavior and moods improved drastically as well. They did NOT, however, turn him into a “perfect child.” =) Honestly, I felt like the meds provided a life preserver for him, and helped him be able to keep his head above water. We have always made it his responsibility to take his meds. I don’t remind him–I want him to do it because HE wants to do better. He has always done a really good job of remembering because of how much better he does with them. I’m sorry you’re going through this–it’s a tough road for sure! Just as an encouragement to you, it’s been about 4 years that he’s been on meds, and he actually recently asked to stop taking them. He has been off them for about 3 weeks now, with the exception of a few times when he was taking a test at school, and he’s been doing really well. I think it’s part maturity and part changes in his own body as he goes through puberty. It has been very encouraging! We’ll see if it sticks…hang in there!
Jim Winter says
Shanti, I came across your article today when doing a search about how to handle children who don’t turn in homework. My daughter, 13, excels at school. She’s in gifted and talented classes, always turns in assignments on time and actually is upset when she is sick and has to miss school. My stepsons are not as fervent about school. One constantly turns in assignments late because he leaves them at school or just forgets he has them. The oldest stepson is a junior in high school and just doesn’t care what grade he gets. He doesn’t care about doing homework or turning it in on time. We have tried consequences, rewards, talking to him about his future, etc., to no avail. He wants to go to college, and we try to tell him that college professors won’t let him turn things in late for full credit, like H.S. does now, and professors won’t care if he turns assignments in on time. Nothing gets to him. It’s so frustrating for me, but your article shed some light on the situation.
Shanti Landon says
Sorry to hear this, Jim. I know how frustrating it can be. It’s a long road, but we can only do what we can do! Hang in there!
Caroline Fritz says
I was just researching this same issue regarding my 10 year old. I just found an awesome article on empowering our kids to take ownership of their education and hope it’s okay to share: https://positiveparenting.com/parenting-forgetful-behavior/
Seems to have some really good tips in it. Good luck!
Catrina Adler says
Sitting at my desk with teary eyes as I read this article. I could have written this myself. It’s been a very long battle with my 13 year old ADD diagnosed son. I’m at the point where I just don’t know what to do anymore 🙁
Shanti Landon says
Hi, Catrina! Hang in there. <3 Feel free to shoot me an email at shanti@lifemadefull.com if you would like to chat more. <3
Barbara Mudge says
Found your post when researching what to do with kid who will not do homework. Our girl is almost 16. Last year, as a freshman we just let it go. Middle school they just kept passing her but we knew high school teachers would just give her the failing grade. We thought for sure she would get that first semester report card with all those E’s, a consequence we had been warning her about for 3 years that never came, and she would panic and finally get motivated. But no. So here we are in sophomore year and it’s more of the same. Everyday I ask her about work. Offer to help. Beg her. Tell her that she only has to do half of it. I have literally calculated the bare minimum of homework she can do and still pass and begged her to just do that, but it’s no use. I don’t know how to make her want it. I worry what will become of her but you can only do so much.
For the record we have tried everything you have listed and….tutoring at great time and expense. Endless rewards. Therapy. She will not take meds of any kind for her ADHD. I will not force her to. She once begged me crying and asked why everyone wanted to medicate the “Sydney” out of her, did everyone hate her. That was when I stopped forcing meds. That was 4 years ago. I genuinely think meds would be very beneficial and we have talked about it several times now that she is older. I suggested we try it again at lower doses but she refuses. Much like you, I have no idea what to do anymore. I’m just going to keep doing what I can and trying not to get to frustrated. Best of luck to you!
Linda says
I came upon this article as everyone else did….trying to find answers. Shantie’s original article fits my daughter perfectly. The only exception is….she does not have ADD. I took her for counseling and testing. She’s not even ‘borderline. So meds aren’t even an option. The sad thing is, if she’d turn her work in on time, she’d get all As and a few B’s. But she only gets 1/2 credit for turning it in late. So always an F. But that doesn’t seem to motivate her at all. My nagging isn’t helping and is probably hurting. And it’s destroying our relationship. But I’m afraid to just let it go and hope for the best. I wish I knew what to do.
Denise says
I like many others comments that I have read though here feel the same exact way. We have been dealing with our daughter’s ADHD since 1st grade. She is now in 7th grade and it is a struggle every day. On test or assignments that need to be done and turned in during class time she is able to do and most times scores very well. But when it is considered “homework” she may or may not bring the proper book or paperwork home. I have went online and printed more math pages that I can remember this year just so that if she says she don’t have them i am prepared to help her work on them. We do the work put it in her color organized folder for each class. I remind her before she leaves for school. But when she gets home I ask if she turned them in she says she forgot. I am beyond frustrated and don’t know what to do next. We do have a 504 in place at school, but I dont know if it is helping, I am not in class I don’t know if they are following it or not. And if they are is this singling her out, she does not have many friends is this why? I sit and just think about how she is feeling and I break down and cry. She does take medication, we have went through counceling. I feel almost like a failed parent, I want to help her so very badly, but it seems that I have done and tried everything I can think possible. We have done positive behaviour reinforcement, taken away electronics and tv time, nothing works. She will just find something else to occupy her time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Meredith says
I am Gifted with a learning disability I have ADHD and very severe dyslexia, Here is a little perspective.
Imagine waking up and going to a job every day that you were terrible at just gosh awful. Everyone around you has the same job and are doing well getting praised even. Children don’t get to specialize like adults do and if you have a learning difference it’s heartbreaking as kid. Why even try if you know that you will be told by the teacher still not good enough.
Find where your sons gifts Are and nurture the heck out of them. As a child I had almost no extra Extracurriculars tutoring was where all the free time went. I have great parents I don’t blame them. I blame our education system.
I graduated from high school and got a Bachelor’s degree in political science. It was not until my 20s I realized most of My existence is been focused on doing things I’m not very good at it and won’t ever be good at. I love the subject matter of political science but all the writing almost killed me in college and then when I graduated I realized most of the jobs in the field involves a lot of writing where I have a disability.
I’m now back in school for art at age 30. Discovered unknown artistic talent my late 20s. I’m working on becoming a textile designer. I just wish I had more Opportunity as a child to discover where are my talents were but you can’t discover your talents if you spend all your time on the things you’re bad at.
There is a great book called the “power of Different “ by Gail Saltz you should check out if you haven’t already.
Alisha Gorder says
This is amazing. Thank you for sharing your journey. Xo
Jasmine says
I was literally searching the internet for answers on why my son doesn’t turn in work and I came across this blog. You don’t understand how much it means to know I am not alone in my struggle, the embarrassment I feel dealing with his teachers, because I think they think I don’t care (which isn’t true). I have literally taken everything away from my son (including the shoes on his feet). I thought if I only buy shoes from Walmart instead of nikes and other expensive items he wouldn’t be able to handle the torture of the other kids and he would eventually just turn in his work. Even that doesn’t work, he comes home and tell me he gets made fun of because of his shoes but it he hasn’t thought that maybe if I turn in my work my mom will give them back and make this all go away. I am so defeated I don’t know what to do. I pay $600 a month for a tutor just to for him not to apply anything she is teaching him. My frustration levels has hit an all time high and I am just in need of any help I can get.
Erica says
I know this is an old post, but I found something that worked for me. Maybe it’ll help someone else still struggling with this issue. Once my daughter got into this pattern exactly like you explained, we did everything you described. Then, an idea came to me and it worked! Every day after school, I had homework of my own ready to go so when she said she didn’t have any school work or home work to do, I had some prepared that was along the topics they were covering in school already. Or just something I thought was interesting. That way, she got used to the idea that no matter what, when she got home it wasn’t going to be fun time right away. I hated that for her because I genuinely feel that home time should be fun and family time, but when school work is being neglected, gears have to shift. So, once we started doing things this way, suddenly there were more assignments she remembered she had to do for her real school work. I guess once she knew she wasn’t getting out of “schoolwork” either way, doing the ones that counted towards her grades just made more sense. But then the ones that we did that I planned gave us something constructive and sometimes fun to do together. Also, I contacted her teachers eary on and asked them to let me know when homework was assigned so that when she came home and said she had no work I could call her out on it. I don’t know if this helps anyone else, but it worked for us. Good luck!
Pam says
Literally everything you have said could have come out of my mouth. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone!!
Ciprian says
I was like that starting at 12 until 18. I would never do homework, just copy it from colleagues right ahead of the course. I would skip classes to go play pool, smoke and hang out with “dangerous” and “cool” characters. I thought homework and paying attention in school is for geeks.
At some point, my parents gave up on me because their attempts at punishing me failed miserably. If grounded in my room I would climb down the window to spend my time with friends. If verbally pushed, I would pushback even harder. If deprived of pocket money, I would simply steal it from their wallet. If slapped, I would provoke my dad even harder, with steely eyes and a smile on my face. I felt a feeling inside of absolute pleasure in rebellion. And then, a miracle happened…
My dad left my country (in Eastern Europe) to go and work in the United States. Before he left, I told him about my plans for college — the opposite of his desires: Journalism and English, instead of IT, what he wanted. He only said one sentence, with a resigned voice: “I don’t think you have it in you to finish high school, what to speak of going to college.”
This sentence alone, seared into my mind, somehow or other made me push myself so hard that had the second highest Highschool Graduation Exam scores in my class and then I got into college with the third highest score and full scholarship. Simply to prove my dad wrong.
Fortunately, since I’d already tasted all the flavors of rebellion during highschool, in college I began to be more studious and curious. The things that college students were starting to do (like staying up nights in the club), escaped from their strict upbringing at home, I was already bored of.
The thing that saved me I guess, is my inquisitiveness. I was always curious and I was always reading, except not stuff for school — what others TOLD me to read. I was just this very independent-minded person who loathed authority. Don’t get me wrong — I don’t like how I was back then. But I was certainly proud of my own “independence” back then…
So, what is your son’s attitude towards life in general? Is he keen on making his own choices, decisions? Does he have his own interests, passions that are apart from what is required of him to do? Maybe you can change the strategy and simply say that from now on you are going to treat him like an adult and that if he fails in life, it’s his choice to do so…
Joe says
Thank you. As a father of a 14 year-old daughter, almost every post hit home. I googled this topic after a very tough conversation with her. No emotion, no response, and a bit of a teenage eye roll. . .I teared up, as I read each post. Thank you all for being caring parents and sharing such emotional stories. I have some ideas on how to support our daughter. Thank-you Shanti, for the courage to start this conversation.
Sheila says
I had this child and like you I tried everything, but nothing seemed to work. He is now 23 finishing up his bachelors degree and has an amazing paid internship. What worked? I’m not sure, but I think losing a full scholarship and going back to school and paying for it himself. As much as we hate to see it sometimes they have to really fail to decide they want to succeed. Hang in there and just keep reminding him you love him.
Caroline says
I know this post is old, but a true message of hope for me. I thought we were completely alone, but every single thing you write about in this post could be about my 13 year old son with ADD. The diagnosis does not make us “go easier” on him, as we barely understand it. We read, talk to counselors, sink lots of time and money into him (over our other two children) and nothing seems to work. So we just do not know where to turn, what to do next. We don’t want to beat him down, but we feel we take that approach because we literally know not what to do next. medications haven’t been effective, so for two days, we’ve been on a new Rx to see if that helps. He so wants it to help. We remind him that ADD is only a part of the puzzle. The rest is about choices and habits, and without him having some accountability for following systems that we’ve all agreed and set into place, nothing will work. We need his buy-in. He says he wants to do well and “doesn’t understand” why nothing works for him. We know part of the problem is that he doesn’t care enough, but we know it’s not the whole reason for the way he is. the ADD is part of it (he’s super inattentive, not hyper according to two evaluations we had done for him over the last 5 years). We are reading “Smart but Scattered Teens” right now, which was recommended by his evaluator. She said he should be doing better but won’t without medication, AND organization/study skills/executive functioning coaching. We’re looking into that, but my husband and I already know it won’t work. Still, we’ll try it, but knowing him, it won’t work. Sorry to vent on this board but it is so nice to know this is a problem with others because we were feeling this was something to do with our parenting. Like many on here, taking privileges away is nearing its end. there is nothing left!
Shanti Landon says
Thank you for sharing, Caroline! <3 It's a hard road, that's for sure! Just know that you're not alone. =)
Kasey says
I feel like these words just came out of my mouth with the exception of my child being female. The diagnosis, the books, the organization battles and trials. All of our exact trial and errors.
Justkeepswimming says
Lots of good info here and as others have said, it’s good to know we’re not alone. The original blog post describes my son perfectly; I thought you were talking about him. He has always done well until 6th grade – middle school. The school staff assured us and all the parents that the 6th graders will struggle because the concept of changing classes and multiple teachers is new for them. We struggled all year. This year, nothing has changed and has even gotten worse about turning in assignments, etc. I believe that he has ADHD but my wife is in denial even though she is a SPED teacher. We have an appointment coming up to have him evaluated. Not that a diagnosis will fix anything but will help change our outlook on working with him and our expectations can be reevaluated. He is also a type 1 diabetic which we have been told can be a nightmare with puberty which is is going through because of all the changing hormones plus being different, not wanting to be singled out, etc. He is also an introvert so he doesn’t want to talk about his issues at all, even less than some teenagers (I am also type 1 and an introvert so I get it – expect I was 30 when I was diagnosed, he was 10). Also, I was a hard headed “D” student except in wood shop where I was straight A’s. One mid semester report card I got a B and was upset so I worked harder to bring it back up. I think it was easier for my parents because they didn’t have constant contact with my teachers with emails, apps, etc. Just keep praying and moving forward and try not to get your blood pressure up because it’s not worth it.
Sherry says
I, too, found you by googling what to do with a child that doesn’t turn in her homework. All of the replies have brought tears to my eyes. I would’ve never dreamed that this would be my issue with my child. While I know everyone is fighting their own battles with their kids, none of my friends are experiencing this with theirs, so it makes it hard finding someone who understands the frustration I am going through. Nagging my child all the time is definitely affecting our relationship and then it cycles back to me beating myself up for always being on her case. Thank you, Shanti, for putting your words out there for me to find.
Shanti Landon says
Thank you for sharing, Sherry! <3
Kasey says
THANK YOU FOR THIS! It’s so refreshing to realize we are not alone in this battle. We have gone through all the same things you have done. We have sent my child to a behavioral and learning specialist in Dallas and had her tested. Inattentive ADD; that is where her poor organizational skills come from. She’s not hyperactive, but she has a slower processing rate and has trouble staying focused. Now, all we have is a diagnosis and a little bit better understanding of WHY but we still have no solutions. I almost feel like some of this is just her way of proving that she has ultimate control while at school. She knows her parents are not there to follow her around and tell her what to do.
Heather says
Thank you for this post. I was tearing up while reading comments of other parents tearing up! I was thinking, “Thank God I’m not alone!” My (8th grade) son has been reading a college level since he was in the 5th grade, but continues to not turn his work or care about school in the slightest. I’m exhausted and my house feels like a constant battle zone. His younger sister turn in her work and makes straight As. My mother instinct won’t allow me to give up, but sometimes I really just want to cry, scream, or slap some sense into the boy! Any help would be appreciated.
Anita Springs says
Hi all,
Thank you all for sharing. As many said, sharing the good and the bad helps us all understand we are not alone. My son is a teen and while not always the case, sometimes he has struggled too, especially this past year of remote learning. I couldn’t understand why he’d not turn in homework, knowing that Fs would come and that I check his grades regularly and would eventually find out. In any case, reading your posts made me realize it is important to be constant in supporting our kids.
I also wanted to share a couple of books that opened my eyes to what teens go through, and how to help them. It did change my approach to parenting, and I hope they’ll help you, even if just a bit:
– The Self-Driven Child, by Ned Johnson. It is a wonderful book that explains that the most stressful thing kids/youth encounter is feeling that they have no control over their lives. It kills their motivation. Giving our sons/daughters spaces where they have a choice and make their own decisions helps build their confidence, and in turn, their motivation. I can’t recommend it enough, it helped me change the way I speak to my kids to help them feel in control and happier
– The Age of Opportunity by Laurence Steinberg is another great book. It focuses quite a bit on neuroscience and how the developing brain drives our kids behavior.
Hope this helps, best of luck!
Amalie says
This posting sent my depression and anxiety as a parent into a graveyard spiral. I am so sorry I clicked the link.
Rochelle Hoyt says
I thought that was going to be our fix, but unfortunately that doesn’t even work. She finishes a project, paper, homework and then decides she wants to review it. Goes onto another subject and completely forgets to go back review and hit send. It is sooo exasperating. She’s very smart, would pretty much be getting all A’s, but can’t turn in her homework and then Aces the exams.
Brandi says
This is what I am going through with my 5th grader. We moved him to a private school so he could have a more dedicated education. He is so smart. He can tell you all about both WW’s. He knows his spelling words, he knows his bible lessons, he spends time doing his homework correctly. I check it. I put it in his binder…and then it’s still there the next day. He doesn’t turn it in. And when I ask why, he just looks confused and says he forgot, or he didn’t hear the teacher ask for it. I emailed the teacher asking how I can help him better understand the turn in process, but I’m beating my head against the wall here. I’ve already had to get him a quiz retake on his bible books because he just didn’t do it in class. It’s so hard because he’s so happy at his new school, and is loving his lessons, he just isn’t turning anything in that comes home, and honestly Mama’s, I just don’t know what to do besides walking the homework into the turn in area myself every day which, as a working Mom, I just don’t have time for. I’m in tears right now.
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Lorie says
I feel for you. My daughter was the 5 in her class in middle school (although I was guiding her, making sure she did all her assignments). Then high school came and the child I once knew was no longer her. She was refusing to do work, and later I found out she felt she knew she was different. Couldn’t do things the way her classmates could. No motivation. She was smart though. Finally she came to me and said she wanted to get tested for adhd. I hold her teachers and they thought there’s no way. Turns out she had ADHD pi with slow processing speed. Anyways, it was very difficult to hear that and she went through a depression. She went to a private school where the pressure of doing well was high. The teachers would email me about her not handing in her work. I would get so frustrated and upset. I got her a tutor, more to keep her on point. The. Uni came, she flunked first term because she didn’t hand anything in after September. After fighting and bickering with me she admitted she was going through a depression. She has been In therapy which did her so well. Anyways after being on academic probation, she got her grades right up the following term. Now she’s in third year and is doing most everything almost on time…and very well….lol. She wants to do well, and she’s so smart. Her acting out is not defiance it’s her frustration with herself. I’ve learned to sit back, let her fail and figure out life and school and everything else l. But letting her know I am here for her for whatever she needs. It took years of crying, anxiety and fear to finally let go and know she’ll be ok, she’ll figure it out, just let go and let her fail. Not sorry about her future because she’s gonna figure it out. Unless there is a mental health concern, I just sit back and watch.