My story of sexual abuse.
It’s been over a year since I finished therapy.
A few months after I stopped going though, I realized something: having someone in my life who was a third party, someone who could give me outside perspective, and could push me to continue to grow was valuable. One of my biggest fears is that I will become stagnant, and I realized that one way to ensure that I stay focused on moving forward and challenging myself is to have someone else pushing me outside of my comfort zone. So, I decided to go back to my therapist once a month. I think I moved from “therapy” to “counseling” at that point. Our sessions went from digging into my past hurts and healing to looking forward to where I wanted to be, and then challenging myself to get there.
Over the past few months, I have felt a nudging to write out some of my story. But I’ve hesitated. As those promptings have grown, I’ve felt like running the other way, like I was clawing my way out of a lava-filled canyon. I’ve hesitated because I haven’t ever publicly written the words, I was sexually abused. I hesitated, because even after healing, I am ashamed and embarrassed by those words. I hesitated because I still feel guilty and humiliated even though I know it wasn’t my fault. And I hesitated because I don’t ever want to come across as a “poor me” person, someone with a victim mentality. But a heavier, more forceful push in me desired to normalize the conversation about sexual abuse.
It’s not a comfortable topic.
In fact, I would say, it’s a very uncomfortable topic. I cannot read, see or hear a story of someone who was sexually abused without feeling physically ill. I can’t even watch movies where a woman is victimized in this way. But when 20% of girls and 5-10% of boys are victims of sexual abuse, it’s not something we can just look away from and pretend doesn’t exist.
I want to normalize the conversation.
I want to share the uncomfortable because it’s uncomfortable. I want to banish the awkward, unpleasant, thorny discussion and dissolve the shame felt deeply by someone who has to say the words, “I was sexually abused.”
And so, I want to share my story of sexual abuse.
It’s not going to be enjoyable. There’s no flowery facade here. I’m not softening details or mincing words. So if you aren’t comfortable reading about this difficult subject matter, you may want to head out now.
I was sexually abused.
My exposure to sexuality started as a young child, as far back as I can remember, with my dad showing me pornographic magazines. He would sit me down, show me photos of nude women, and point out their private parts. He would share what was “good” about them. He would share what was “disgusting” about them. He shaped my thoughts about my own body long before I even developed physically myself. I learned what was “pretty” and what was “ugly,” and I longed to be someone my dad approved of, someone “pretty.”
Longing for approval
My dad’s perversion and mishandling of my trust moved to more than just pornographic magazines, and there were many dark moments for me. I felt a deep sense of ambivalence; I desperately wanted the approval of my dad, and as his “favored” youngest child, felt a responsibility to please him. But at the same time, I was mortified, disgusted, and repulsed. I knew it must be wrong, but as a young girl, couldn’t grasp why if it was wrong, my dad would be doing it. He had so many wonderful qualities, and the fact that he could sometimes be a sweet father distorted and twisted my views even more. Was he evil? Or was he good? He was both to me.
One thing I struggle with, even to this day, is comparing myself to the pain of others. I look at my experience and think, that’s nothing compared to what many others have experienced. I feel like a wimp for having it affect me as much as it did.
I know I’m not alone.
I know there are many, many of you out there who also compare your pain to others. I know there are some of you who hear that voice saying, It wasn’t that bad. You’re just a wimp. Don’t act like a victim. You probably deserved it.
And many of you may even question whether what you experienced was actually sexual abuse. You may feel someone crossed a line, but wonder if that constituted “abuse.” I questioned it myself for many, many years. But if you’re questioning whether the line that was crossed counts as sexual abuse, it probably does. The definition of sexual abuse is “any sort of non-consensual sexual contact.” It can include something as “simple” as showing children pornography, to inappropriate touching, to much, much worse. Trust your gut. If your gut is telling you something wasn’t/isn’t right, it most likely wasn’t and isn’t.
The most relevant, key part of my healing was going through the book & workbook The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender, with a Christian therapist. It was life-changing, freeing, and broke many chains of guilt and constraint that I carried with me.
The second key was timing.
Sometimes I can’t believe it took me 17 years of marriage to finally confront my demons. But I’ve realized that I was just not ready before that. God had been slowly chipping away at the hard exterior of my heart, and only He knew when the most perfect moment would be to open me up for heart surgery. I couldn’t have obtained the same peace and freedom had I tried to “force” healing 10 years ago. I wasn’t emotionally or spiritually ready to confront my past.
Ultimately, being willing to face your past head-on when the time is right is the very best thing you can do for yourself. But don’t walk through it alone. You need someone to be with you through your journey.
There was one night in particular during my time of healing, when everything culminated for me. I lay in a heap on our bathroom floor, having vomited from the flood of memories that were playing like a video reel in my mind. I sobbed uncontrollably, never having experienced such deep, raw pain as in that moment. And Superman was my strength right then, holding me and reminding me that even though what I was doing hurt immensely, it was good. It meant that healing was coming. His voice of reason, my therapist figuratively holding my hand, and the knowledge that God had the most perfect plan for me is what got me through that dark valley onto the brilliant mountaintop of freedom.
Friends, I want this freedom for you.
I want you to be able to live your life, with arms open wide, able to love and be loved the way God intends. We all have past hurts, whether we experienced emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, or just familial dysfunction, we all carry burdens from our upbringing. My prayer for you is that, in God’s timing, you would be able to surrender to His authority and allow Him to do heart surgery on you, too.
So, yes. I was sexually abused. It broke me. But God healed me. I am like a beautiful, delicate vase, once shattered, but then carefully put back together by God’s capable hands. The cracks are still there, but the pieces are gently fused together, covered by His grace and smoothed over by his mercy.
If you would like to talk to me more about this topic, or want to share your own burden, please reach out to me HERE or by emailing shanti@lifemadefull.com . You are a beautiful child of God, and that God wants you to feel His perfect comfort and healing.
Sandy F. says
Oh, Shanti. Thank you so much for your authenticity and vulnerability. What a beautiful story of God’s healing. Thank you for opening yourself up for the world, I can only imagine how difficult that was. <3
Shanti Landon says
❤️ God is an amazing healer, and is faithful and good. The glory truly goes to Him! ❤️
Sarah Malone says
I am sitting here, having just re-read this through my tears. Your last paragraph pierced my heart: “So, yes. I was sexually abused. It broke me. But God healed me. I am like a beautiful, delicate vase, once shattered, but then carefully put back together by God’s capable hands. The cracks are still there, but the pieces are gently fused together, covered by His grace and smoothed over by his mercy.” Thank you, thank you, thank you. What a beautifully articulated picture of how God “puts us back together.”
Shanti Landon says
❤️ Thank you, Sarah!
Anonymous says
You mentioned not knowing whether what you experienced was sexual abuse. You hit the nail on the head for me. I experienced something at the hands of my own father, and have always felt ashamed, and guilty about it. I have never told ANYONE, and have always felt, like you, that I was a wimp for letting it affect me. Thank you for sharing your story, you have given me a huge encouragement. If you don’t mind, I would really like to email you to talk to you more?
Shanti Landon says
Hi, Anonymous. Yes, please feel free to email me at shanti@lifemadefull.com ❤️
Darren S. says
This was very beautiful: “So, yes. I was sexually abused. It broke me. But God healed me. I am like a beautiful, delicate vase, once shattered, but then carefully put back together by God’s capable hands. The cracks are still there, but the pieces are gently fused together, covered by His grace and smoothed over by his mercy.”
Shanti Landon says
Thank you, Darren.
P.B. says
Thank you for sharing this. I feel a special connection to you, and I don’t even know you. I was molested by a relative when I was 13 years old, and have never gone to counseling for it. I’ve been married 9 years, and have often wondered what damage my past has done to our relationship. I have a personal question for you–how did your past affect your marriage? Did you have a hard time being intimate with your husband? I know that’s a really personal question, and if you would rather, feel free to email me back. Again, only if you are ok talking about that. Thank you again for sharing, it is encouraging me to maybe seek out counseling. It might be “time.”
Shanti Landon says
Hi, P.B. I am so glad you feel a connection, yet so sad over why the connection is there. ? My experience most definitely affected my marriage, especially our intimacy. While we had a wonderful marriage before I went through therapy, there was always that one piece that was missing and/or broken, and that piece (unbeknownst to me) bled into other areas of our relationship, even my parenting. I will send you an email and give you some more details. Praying for you as you consider whether the timing is right for you to start your healing. ❤️
Andrea says
I am crying so hard right now. Reading what you wrote “He had so many wonderful qualities, and the fact that he could sometimes be a sweet father distorted and twisted my views even more. Was he evil? Or was he good? He was both to me.” It is like you took the words right out of my mouth. The terrible burden I bore feeling like a traitor for hating my father, while loving him at the same time because he did have another side was gut wrenching. =( I still to this day have not been able to reconcile the two. He was both evil AND good, and I can’t erase one over the other. Instead, I haven’t spoken to my father in nearly 20 years, and I’m not sure if I ever will. Just seeing his face makes me ill. I am curious–do you have a relationship with your father now?
Shanti Landon says
Hi, Andrea. First, I am so very sorry for what you went through, and thank you for sharing. ❤️ My dad passed away in 2000, so I didn’t have to deal with having him alive as I worked through everything. Have you ever sought counseling or a support group?
Andrea says
Thank you for your reply. I have never sought counseling or a support group, but am seriously considering it after reading your post. It is just another “coincidence” that has popped up in front of me over the last few months. I asked below for your counselor’s name as well, would love to have that. Thank you!
TR says
I am local to you, and would love to get the name of your counselor. Does she also do couples’ counseling?
Andrea says
I would also like the name of your counselor, please.
Shanti Landon says
Hi, TR and Andrea! I would love to share her contact info with you, she is wonderful. I will email it to you right now. ❤️
Sue Ellen says
I think it’s awesome that you are continuing to go to your counselor, even though you don’t “need” it anymore. A lot of people feel embarrassed by that, and I think it’s great that you speak about it as if it’s normal. I’m not sure if that’s what you intended, but I think you are helping to “normalize” the idea of going to therapy just by showing that there are benefits to having an outsider to bounce ideas off of.
Shanti Landon says
Thank you, Sue Ellen! ❤️
Deborah says
Thank you for sharing. The more people who bring this issue to light, the less it can hide in the darkness. I recommend EVERYONE read The Wounded Heart by Dan Allendar, whether they were sexually abused or not. 1) It deals with how to Bibically respond when sin has been done to you and we ALL are sinned against by others, regardless of the form. 2) We all know someone who has been abused. The book will help you know what an abuse victim is going through. It is a deep-rooted, complicated, complicated issue and telling someone “it wasn’t your fault” is not enough. God had my husband read the book a year before we met. Shortly after we started dating, my future husband recognized the signs and began to ask a lot of questions. He walked through a very difficult season with me. We had our moments of my uncontrollable sobbing.
Thanks be to God, He sent His son to set us free. I cannot say that my abuse no longer affects me but I can say it no longer consumes me. It doesn’t define me like I once thought it did.
Shanti Landon says
Thank you for sharing that story, Deborah! I love it when God works in ways we can’t even anticipate! ❤️
Carol Durst says
Thank you for your testimony! It touched my heart:). Our church has a group called “Sisters in Grace” that meets once a month to LISTEN to those who have been abused or mistreated. We do not offer advice or opinions. We just listen with love. It is a safe place for the ladies who attend. Some have had counseling and some have not. God always seems to show up but since some who come may not be Christians, we do not proselytize! I have never been abused but my family was terribly dysfunctional. May God bless you and your family with His grace and peace.
P.S. You have a lovely gift for writing…..you might want to pursue that one day.
Love and smiles in Jesus
Shanti Landon says
That’s awesome, Carol! What a wonderful way to meet the needs of women in your community. Thank you for the compliment on my writing, too! ❤️
Sadie says
I love reading your blog. You are beautiful from the inside out! I thank you for using your painful hurtful experience to genuinely help others. You have no idea what a positive you are in a negative world! Always the Lord’s Blessings to you and yours! Happy New Year! …from Virginia
Shanti Landon says
Thank you, Sadie! ?
Elizabeth says
Your story is inspirational – my abuser was my grandfather, & like you I read through Dan Allenders book & had 12 months of intensive counseling… God knew the right time for me also, it was hard but so worth the freedom at the end. It has been a good 15 years or more for me now, and I can safely say that it does get easier. I really resonated with your comments about “It’s not as bad as others, so why am I being such a wimp”, that was how I felt too.
God bless you.
Elizabeth,
New Zealand
Shanti Landon says
Thank you for sharing, Elizabeth. ? Sending you a virtual hug from Northern California!
Michelle says
Hi Shanti, Thanks for sharing your special story! I’ve been thinking about it for days and my heart goes out to you and your healing process. It’s been difficult for me to not define myself by what happened to me, and to separate myself from it and realize that those things that happened were not my choices, it was my father’s choices. I just happened to be there and be taken advantage of. The Bible says (something like) that which defiles us comes from within, not without, and that helped me to understand those bad things were not my choices, nor would they ever have been, so I’ve tried to learn how to not take responsibility for other’s actions. I have struggled to feel that God truly loved me, since He placed me in a home that harmed me at a time when I was unable to protect myself. I’m still learning and growing and I’m always trying to figure out if there is any way I can help young girls/women to protect themselves from such things while they are in these types of situations. Prayers and blessings to you!
Sara Ingraham says
First, Shanti, thank you for sharing your story. Second, Michelle, I struggled with feeling that God was my protector many years ago as I was dealing with my sexual abuse story and something that helped me tremendously was a mentor said to me when I said that I could see God as my protector now and that I knew He was the same today, tomorrow and yesterday, but that I had trouble when I pictured myself as a child in my situation. She spoke words (that I believe were directly from God) that changed my life…she said, “I have watched you journey these last couple years working through this and you have grown so close to God. What if God was protecting you from something else. What if He was protecting you from a life apart from Him?”
I don’t believe God ever wants these things to happen to us, but in His goodness, He works them for good in our lives when we allow Him to. I hope these words spoken to me so many years ago can help you see God as your protector.