My husband is autistic.
I kind of struggled with how to say that. Some would say, “My husband has autism.” That sounds less daunting and more like it’s something that can be changed…but would I ever say, “I have extroversion”? Of course not, I would just say that I’m extroverted. So, let’s just be real…my husband is incredible, wonderful, awesome, and autistic.
Chris doesn’t consider autism something to “cure” or “recover from;” it’s who he is. He was born with, in my mind, incredible capabilities and is able to do things that a neuro-typical person often cannot. He sees life as a chess board and is able to see plays and moves down the road better than anyone else I know, he just need a handrail at the shower which is how we discovered our local stainless steel handrails store.
I can imagine our longtime friends are reading this and thinking there’s no way. Chris, the same guy who does hilarious things with his kids or seems completely socially “normal”??
If you aren’t married to him, you wouldn’t see his little quirks because he’s spent his life learning how to be a part of society while not changing who he is as a person. You wouldn’t know that he has never sat on a public toilet seat in his entire life or that he has a phobia of certain textures on clothing touching his skin (you probably thought his shorts obsession was just a personal preference when in fact, when he has to wear pants it’s literally like he has spiders swarming over his legs and he’s suffocating). If you’re hesitant about using public toilets, consider trying portable toilet hire services, as they offer unique facilities where you can feel comfortable and relaxed during your visit. He has a certain routine every morning and doesn’t deviate from it. He doesn’t listen to music because it’s all just noise to him.
If you know him well, you probably know he abhors public swimming pools and will not get anywhere near one. You probably also know that when we met, the first thing he said to me was, “I’m looking for a wife to cook and clean for me.” Most people would be offended; I was intrigued. If we are out of town and his routine is messed up, it throws him off for the rest of the day. He’s scared of talking on the phone. If an issue arises, he becomes so fixated on that issue that he cannot do anything else until that issue is resolved.
Chris and I were married at a young age; he was still 19. Even though we never really thought about it, over the years I helped teach him how to engage and interact with people. I would tell him when he was being too blunt or offer him insight into someone else’s perspective. I shared with him that when someone asks how you’re doing, the polite thing to do is to reciprocate with the same question instead of just saying, “good.” Without even realizing it, I was Chris’ social therapist. I truly believe God put us together because we balance each other perfectly. He is logical, cut and dry and not emotional at all. I am more fluid, not literal, and feel other people in a very raw way. He’s made me more logical, I’ve made him more empathetic.
We’ve known for a very long time that Chris was on the “spectrum.” He wasn’t officially diagnosed at Kaiser until more recently though because we just never saw a reason to have him evaluated. Chris has offended people with his bluntness and candor, he’s lost family and friends because of his opinions. Many people see him as unfeeling or uncaring, when in fact he cares deeply. The sad thing is that those people have never really had a deep conversation with Chris to understand who he is as a person, and thus only went by their perception of him. As sad as it sounds, our hope was that a “label” would give people the permission to look beyond the surface to understand better why Chris does and says the things he does.
Chris is obviously high-functioning and capable of living a rich, full life. We do wonder…if we hadn’t met so young and he had been single for his early adulthood, whether he would be as far along today socially as he is. I’m just thankful I was the one God chose to put by his side to play on his team.
I guess my reason for finally posting this is that Chris has never felt fully understood by anyone but me. My hope is that this post might help people understand that he is a complex, intriguing person and his bluntness is not something to take personally; it’s something that comes with the territory of being his friend. If you’re willing to look beyond the perceived, you will see it’s actually an admirable character trait…because sometimes you just want someone you know you can trust to tell you the truth no matter what. He’ll never tell you you look good in a dress if you don’t. =)
As the saying goes, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Chris has pushed and fought and clawed his way out of his own mind many times over the years. You would probably never know it by looking at him, but I can tell you firsthand that it’s the God-honest truth. So the next time you come across someone who is “too blunt” or “unfeeling” or says things that seem insensitive, please pause for a moment to consider what the context may be…because you may not know the whole story, and that person may just need a bit of compassion and understanding. And you never know…they may end up being your hero just like my husband is to me.
Stephanie says
I cannot even tell you how much this post means to me. I have missed your writing sooooo much. You don’t know me, but I’ve been a reader following you for years. My 13-year-old son is autistic, and is high functioning. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve laid awake at night worrying about whether he will ever have a “normal” life. This gives me so much hope. Honestly, SO much hope! Thank you for sharing about how much you love your husband. I am so glad he found you, and am so thankful there are people out there who can look beyond the “quirks” to love people for who they are!
Shanti Landon says
Thank you for this, Stephanie! I appreciate it so much. Many prayers for you and your son while you walk with him on his journey!
Anne Galivan says
Saw this on Facebook and decided to “stop by.” My 16-year old is autistic. It’s an interesting but too long story to tell you how we came to this “diagnosis.” We knew he had many issues when he was young, but over time, and with patience and compassion and God’s grace, he’s overcome most of those issues. It wasn’t until recently though that we came to the conclusion that what we knew all along was true…he has autism. It was because he still has an issue with “toe-walking” that we finally came to this understanding. I actually Googled “toe-walking and autism” a few weeks ago, wondering if, in fact, the toe-walking was an indication of autism. And it is. There were also lists of other behaviors that fit perfectly with how my son behaved when he was younger. A couple of weeks ago I dared to share with a dear friend our belief that our son is autistic. She told me her family had known it for many years…interesting. God bless her she was so sweet and encouraging about it. Anyway, my son is very high-functioning, but still has challenges and how much they will follow him through life I don’t know. We continue to address issues that need to be addressed (the toe-walking is definitely one of those) but I also know he will go far. I appreciate you having the courage to share this and I hope everyone who reads it will gain an appreciation for the fact that autism expresses itself in many ways and a little compassion goes a long way.
Shanti Landon says
Thank you for sharing, Anne. Praying for you all as you walk this road. I bet your son is pretty amazing!
Jane says
Within all of creation’s splendors, the multi-colored coat of humanity is a frontier we may never fully explore this side of eternity. Thank you for removing a segment of my blinders.
Shanti Landon says
<3
Scott Alvord says
I love the vulnerability. It’s vulnerability that makes us human and allows deeper relationships to form.
Shanti Landon says
Thank you, Scott! I agree!
Elizabeth Finn says
Love this article. Have read over and over. Your husband wasy child’s 5th grade teacher. Best teacher for him at the time. God planned it that way. Blessings to you and your family.
Akiko says
My 3 kids were taught by Mr. Landon, and he was and still is one of their favorite teacher! Thank you for sharing this 🙂
Heather says
Do you get the deep love and understanding from Him? Or are you his therapist and caregiver and you are left with your needs unmet?
My husband is on the spectrum and most days are great but there are days my needs as a wife are not met and I really struggle with it.
Shanti Landon says
Hi, Heather! I think what I’ve learned about my hubby is that I just need to tell him what I need, and he is amazing. He may not naturally be a comforter (although he really does try), and he may not read emotions like I might, but he is very supportive and wants to help in any way he can. He just doesn’t always “see” it. I think early on in our marriage, I was more inclined to be irritated by that and even hurt that he didn’t notice things, but I have learned how to work around that by being specific and telling him what I need. And he has grown as well, and learned about me after 20 years of being married. I hope that helps. <3
Karen B. says
Glad I read this. I’m an older mom (57 with a 15 yo) and he’s on the very end of the spectrum. He’s outgrown some of his quirks (textures, afraid of loud noises, chewing on pencils, hating rain on his skin) I always have worried if he will find a wife who will love him as he is and friends who won’t take advantage of him…..sweet, but kinda nerdy with an odd way about him. Now I’m not so worried.
Kayla says
Thank you for writing this. I stumbled across this googling. My husband is also autistic. He separates himself a lot from me sometimes and it’s really hard. Reading this has made me feel better and knowing I’m not the only one out there.