What do I do when my husband leaves the faith?

A few days ago, I received a message from a reader asking me for my thoughts on divorce in the context of Christian marriage. This woman shared that she and her husband were both Christians at the start of their marriage, but that he had chosen to turn away and was now agnostic. Her heart was hurting as a result of her husband’s choice to walk away from the Lord. She mourned the divide that was forming between them. She shared this post by a pastor who says that sometimes, divorce is a better option and you can consult family law and divorce attorneys if needed. If you have kids, you may want to consider learning more about your husband’s rights by visiting this page, https://www.thetxattorneys.com/child-custody/fathers-rights. Law firms like Shah & Kishore may be able to help those who are facing various family law issues.

And for those who are looking to notarize their documents, make sure to search for a notary public close to me online. This sweet woman was reaching out for insight and encouragement in her wearisome, difficult situation. In short, she wanted to know: What do I do when my husband leaves the faith? Or what if he’s just not leading our family spiritually?

Divorce is obviously a sensitive topic. As the child of divorced parents, I grew up with the perspective that divorce is what saved my mom. My parents were married 30 years, but over time, my mom became a shell of the person she had been early on. My dad’s emotional and physical abuse took a toll not only on her, but on the rest of our family. The day she decided to leave my dad was the happiest day of my life. Anyone else who also feels the need to escape a toxic marriage could use the help of a family law attorney to prepare for the legal procedures of divorce.

However, now that I’m a believer and follower of Jesus, I can’t flippantly say divorce is acceptable. I most certainly can’t say that it is God’s best. But what is one to do when he or she is in an “unequally yolked” relationship? I am not going to address the concept of divorce when one is in an abusive relationship, because I believe this is a whole other topic. Today, I write only in regards to women who are married to unbelieving men. Also, here are the common divorce reasons in such situations.

Let me start with what the Bible says:

But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. (1 Cor. 7:15-17)

So the Bible says if your unbelieving spouse chooses to leave, let him or her go. The burden is not on you to convert your spouse. It is not your responsibility to turn him or her into a believer. Does it mean you shouldn’t fight for your marriage? Of course not. But it doesn’t mean that his unbelief is your fault.

I also know the Bible says,

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men. (Colossians 3:23)

And anyone who’s married knows that marriage is work. So whatever you do: parenting, working a 9-5 job, doing laundry, cooking dinner, or being a wife…work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord. It is the most noble thing you can do.

There are a few key actions a wife can take in order to “work at it for the Lord”:

Respect your husband

We are called to be helpers for our husbands. We’re asked to care for him and build him up and be his cheerleader. And regardless of whether your husband is doing his job “correctly” or not, God’s word says, “Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” (1 Cor 11:3) God has called our men to be the head of our homes, and it’s our {often difficult} job to support him in that role. (Remember, I’m not addressing abusive relationships in this post.) 

It’s not your job to nag him when he’s doing something wrong, belittle him, or point out his flaws and failures. No one has ever brought their husband to Christ by making him feel inferior.

Keep your husband involved

It can be really tempting to pull away and allow a divide to form if your husband is no longer (or never was) interested in your faith. It may be your natural inclination to take the kids out for activities without your hubby. You may assume (and his behavior may solidify this belief) that because he doesn’t share your faith, he doesn’t have interest in sharing your life. Don’t assume. Involve your husband in family activities and continually invite him to participate in family functions.

Satan’s greatest success is to divide families. It brings him pure joy to see husbands and wives living in empty marriages, going their separate ways each day. Don’t allow Satan this pleasure. As difficult as it may be, keeping your husband involved in your family’s lives is vital. If your marriage is beyond saving after doing everything in your power to repair it, it’s time to think about involving divorce lawyers to help navigate the legal process. The divorce process itself can be long, drawn-out and destructive to everyone involved, including your children. You can find a divorce mediator near me to resolve your divorce issues out of court.

Remember: You are the Christian

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. (1 Peter 3:1-2)

I think one of our downfalls as women (well, probably humans in general) is to argue our point in hopes of convincing the other side. In the context of an unequally yolked marriage, I suggest the opposite. As 1 Peter says above, we need to “win them over without words.” If your husband is doubting his faith, being gentle is your best bet. And you need to ask yourself: Do I believe my God is big enough to take care of my husband’s unbelief?

You may feel that getting involved with a multitude of church activities will be a good example to your husband of “living out your faith.” But remember: it is very important for your husband to know he comes before church activities and even your friends. I’m definitely not condoning leaving your church, or removing yourself from fellowship, by any means. 

Yes, you should love God first and foremost, but sometimes loving God means loving your spouse more than your ministry at church.

Most importantly, don’t let the unbelieving part of your husband define your marriage. Find other things you can do together to stay connected and cultivate other parts of your relationship. This is so vital, because without cultivating other areas of your marriage, that “great divide” will seep its way into your relationship. 

And ultimately: do not give up hope. Have conversations. Talk. Don’t convince. Just talk, and share, and remain emotionally and physically available to your husband. Ask him as many genuine questions as possible so you can understand him better. And pray. Pray with all your might; pray without ceasing. And pray for the mighty hand of God to work a miracle in your marriage. And ask every believer you know to pray as well. For prayer is your key to relinquishing control:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

Work at it as if you’re working for God. Your reward may not be here on earth, but you can surely find comfort in knowing your reward is waiting for you in heaven. Keep on keeping on, and never give up the expectation that the Lord can do a miracle in your husband’s life!