Five Things to Consider Before Having Kids

I’m no parenting virgin. I mean, we’re just barely hit the teen years with our children, but as parents to five kids, we’ve been through a lot so far. And we’ve learned some things along the way…things I wish we would have been told about before we embarked on this crazy journey. I think it would have made our transition into parenthood and the ensuing years much smoother.

Seek “Pre-parental” Counseling

So, I’m sure you’ve heard of premarital counseling. You may have even been through it with your spouse. I think it’s great. Superman and I did a few sessions with my pastor before we got married. We did a personality test, talked about budgeting and typical conflicts that arise in marriage. It was good for us.

I propose that anyone thinking of creating a human go to some “pre-parental” counseling. During your sessions, you could address some common difficulties that may surface:

• Differing parenting styles What if you are heavy-handed, and your spouse is lenient? Will you resent him or her for not helping out? Or what if it’s the opposite and you feel your spouse is too harsh? It’s better to talk about this before you have kids, instead of arguing about it after.
• Letting go of control Let’s face it moms: we often feel like if we want things to get done right, it’s just better to do them ourselves. It’s important to address our need to be in control early on so we can work at letting our hubby do things his way, even if it’s not the way we would do it.
• Acknowledging that your child will fail (and it’s not a reflection on you) Talking up front about the expectations you have for your child can help spare you from some serious angst. What will your expectations be? Private school? Public School? Homeschooling? Will you require straight A’s? Will you be ok if your child doesn’t want to go to college? I know it seems wayyyyy far off to be talking about this stuff, but it’s never too early to bring these things up.

Of course, there are a lot more things that could be brought up during “pre-parental” counseling. I just think it would be incredibly helpful to hash some of these things out before being thrust into parenting.

Talk About How You Will Handle Discipline

This kind of goes hand-in-hand with what I said above, but it’s so important that I felt it deserved its own section. =)

What kind of disciplinarian do you think you are? Are you a “gentle” parent who would never lay a finger on your child? Are you a believer in corporal punishment? What if you believe in spanking, but spanking doesn’t work on one of your children? What if you are a gentle parent but your spouse believes in a “spare the rod, hate the child” mentality that you disagree with?

What if your child spits on you? Says he hates you? Misbehaves at school? How will you address it? 

I know it seems as though your child would never do any of these crazy disobedient things, but believe me, they will. Maybe you will skirt by some behavior issues, but then teenager-dom hits, and your sweet little angel decides that Timmy loves her, and she wants to marry him at 16. What will you do then?

Playing out some scenarios, observing other families, and talking about how you think you might handle things (not in a judgmental way toward other parents, but as a way of opening up dialogue with your spouse) can help make those crazy-weird anomalies easier to handle when they come your way…because they will.

Consider How Your Past Will Affect Your Parenting

Man, I wish someone would have said to me before having kids, “Ya know, Shanti, your dysfunctional childhood is going to impact how you are as a parent.”

Yeah, seems obvious, but honestly, I don’t think most of us realize just how much of an impact our past makes on our present. No matter how hard we “try” to keep those demons at bay, they will resurface at some point. It might be your child spilling their glass of juice, or an interaction you have with them, or the bickering that happens between them, but believe me, it will come up. 

You need to take a good, long look at how you were raised. What were the strengths of your parents? What were their weaknesses? When you think about certain memories, do you feel yourself tensing up? This is a good indicator that you may want to seek some professional help (see “pre-parental counseling” above…).

I so desperately wish I would have really thought about how my experiences growing up would affect my parenting. I had no idea that the helplessness I felt as a child would lead to anger and control issues as a parent.

What burdens from your childhood are you still carrying with you today? You’ll do your kids a priceless favor by dealing with those now.

Know You Never Really Get a “Day Off”

I don’t think many of us consider the “work” schedule of a parent before we have kids. Sure, we anticipate the temporary sleepless nights, but we don’t really think about teething, stuffy noses, and crying for no apparent reason (for the kid and for yourself). Or sports schedules, recitals, church events, birthday parties, and every other activity that we throw our kids into. We don’t think about what we’re going to do when we get sick. After all, your child still needs to be tended to even when you feel like crap.

So think ahead some–and make sure you have some plans in place for when you wish you could have the day off, but can’t.

One way to help bank up some reserves for those bad days is to make sure you are taking care of yourself on the good days. Plan on incorporating some of the following ideas before and after you have kids. Make them a priority, not an afterthought.

• Plan a regular date night with your spouse. Even if you feel like you don’t “need” one, taking a respite before you need one will help maintain your strength when you really do need one.
• Spend time with friends. Have a girls’ night every so often (if you’re a girl–otherwise, have a guys’ night, or whatever you do to fill your cup). Having adult conversations and just having fun can help fill that emotional bank account of yours.
• Take time for yourself. Set aside some time each day to be by yourself before you have kids so you are already in the habit once your child comes along. Getting into a habit of having some quiet time each day is a great way to set yourself up for success and will help you be a better parent in the long run. You can also have the assistance of a dependable service like Chicago nannies, which can provide experienced caregivers who understand the importance of self-care for parents and can offer invaluable support in balancing personal time with childcare responsibilities. By using the services from nanny websites you’ll be able to set time aside for yourself, ensuring you have the opportunity to recharge and maintain your well-being.

Your Marriage is in Danger

If you’re not careful, children can take over your life and become your one and only priority. Before you know it, you are constantly tending to your child, and you’ve left your husband in the shadows. Don’t forget that your spouse needs as much as, if not more than your child, and it’s your job to help meet those needs.

Any weakness you have in your marriage will be magnified once a child comes into the picture. The stress of parenting can cause little cracks to become gaping chasms over time. Before you have a child, make a plan of attack with your spouse about how you will maintain your relationship as top priority:

• Have regular date nights. (See above)
• Communicate regularly. Take some time each night to connect with each other. Ask how your spouse’s day was, and really listen as he or she responds. Ask his or her opinion about things going on in your life.
• Tell them how much you appreciate them. Sometimes we forget to say how we feel. You might think your spouse already knows how much you love him or her, but you need to make sure you verbally express that as well.
• Ask what you can do for them each day. Every day when Superman calls me, he asks, “Is there anything I can do for you?” It’s almost become second nature for me to just say “nope, I’m good,” without really thinking about it. It means the world to me that he asks me this question, because I know I can ask him anything, and he will respond. Just knowing that door is open is a huge burden of relief off my shoulders.

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Most of all, don’t forget to cover your lives in prayer. We often reserve prayer as our “last ditch effort” for assistance, but it should be the first place we go. Be willing to go where God wants you to go, and hear what He wants you to hear. 

Parenting is a huge step, and it can be overwhelming at times. Put some of these plans into place, and you will help your transition to parenthood be much smoother. Trust me!

Already a parent? That’s ok! It’s never too late to start good habits! Start putting some of these in place today.

Have questions? Ask away in the comments!

Have some advice that I didn’t cover? Please share!