Discouragement, Defeat and Satisfaction

Today was my first day back teaching a “full” day of school–Since a few weeks before my surgery, I’ve had a wonderful college gal coming in 2-3x/week to help with school, and my mom and sister helped out last week. I have to be quite honest–the past few days I have been in quite a slump emotionally. I have felt discouraged, defeated and the pain in my jaw has been frustrating. I’ve felt limited and aloof to my kids and a sense of a heavy heart. I want to eat food. Like, normal food. Steak. Pizza. A big ol’ freakin’ hamburger. 

Last night I broke down crying to Superman, slumped in his arms. I didn’t even know why. I just knew my mouth hurt, the arch bars were ripping holes in my cheeks, and I was hungry. And I didn’t want to be near our kids because I felt like I was going to just melt into a puddle of tears if they looked at me sideways. 

Today I realized a big part of the reason why. Aside from the fact that I think I’m lacking in proteins and fats right now which is affecting my mood, I haven’t had much purpose these past few weeks. My purpose has been to heal as much as possible. It was hard letting Superman take care of me. I felt guilty for the burden I was. Even though he told me it was a privilege to take care of me (have I ever mentioned how much I love him??), I still felt like I was failing somehow knowing that he had to care for me, figure out what to feed the kids for each meal, and keep the house up. This, my friends, is a complete lie. It’s what Christians in some circles might call “from Satan.” These words of discouragement are not from my God. My God is a light, a beacon of hope, the One who carries my burdens. He does not burden me with lies such as “you are a burden,” “you are failing,” “you are not trying hard enough.” He is the author of truth. And the truth is, my marriage is sanctified, set apart, and my husband is to treat me as Christ treated the Church…with unconditional love, understanding, and service. Likewise, I would do the same for him, and honestly, find pure joy in serving him, nursing him to health. Allowing these thoughts to float through my brain is denying my husband the blessings of caring for his wife. And it’s denying God the joy of softening my heart and my pride.

Sitting down this morning to teach math to my boys, I felt my heart well up with that old sense of pride and fulfillment in what I do. And I was struck with something: I really enjoy homeschooling. There are times where I absolutely despise it. There are days when I want to pack up my kids in the car, drop them off at a school, any school, and return 8 hours later to pick them up. But today, today I realized that just like any teacher, I have days filled with accomplishment and days filled with discouragement. I think it’s normal. Right?

Sure, I don’t have a “job” or get paid for what I do (although I wouldn’t turn someone down if they wanted to pay me for teaching our kids! wink, wink). But I find serious satisfaction in teaching our kids, having them learn from me, and knowing that I’m investing in something that will return very high dividends. I may fail at a lot of things, but I think our kids will grow up knowing that I did my best, and put in as much time as possible. At least I hope they do. 

So, that’s how I’ve been feeling. 

And so I say: If you’re listening to those lies, kick ’em to the curb. 

You are not a failure.
You are not a burden.
You are not a loser or a waste or worthless.

You are loved, adored, and filled with potential. 

You are right where you need to be in order for God to meet you. Are you ready?