The Black Hole of People Pleasing (And How to Tell if You’re In It)

I’m a recovering people-pleaser. Please note the {ing} on recover. I didn’t say “recovered,” I said recovering.

Growing up in a home walking on eggshells can make one want to keep the peace. Maybe you grew up in a dysfunctional home, too. Of course, the term “dysfunctional” is relative. Aren’t we all dysfunctional in some sense? Of course we are. None of us is perfect. But we each react differently to our surroundings. You can have two different children grow up in the same home, with the same abuse or neglect, and they may each deal with things completely differently. One may take that abuse and have it light a fire under them that will propel them to success. The other may be crippled by the experience.

So, back to people-pleasing.

Do you know what it’s like to be a people-pleaser? See if any of this resonates with you:

You crave approval from others. Your actions are often determined by how you think others will react. If someone doesn’t respond the way you hoped they would, it depresses you. If you ask a leading question, hoping for a bit of encouragement, and the other person doesn’t reply in that manner, you beat yourself up emotionally. The problem with this way of living your life is that you will never be satisfied. Basing your happiness on other peoples’ reactions will only lead to disappointment. You will constantly seek that little “fix” of approval, but when you don’t receive it, you will only see yourself as a failure. Not a recipe for success. Getting to the point where you can base your happiness on things that matter instead of things that don’t will lead to a much more fulfilling life.

You don’t always tell the truth.  When you are a people-pleaser, you struggle to tell the truth, especially when you think it will make people think negatively of you. A lot of times, you tell lies of omission, hoping that if you just don’t share everything, you will not have to deal with the consequences. This was an ongoing struggle for me the first decade of my marriage. If I made a mistake, I would immediately get a big lump in my stomach and start freaking out about having to tell my husband. It had nothing to do with him, it had everything to do with me. Even though it makes no logical sense, I was terrified that he would react in a way that made me feel…small. He never responded in a way that would confirm my fears, but I still was scared if I did something wrong. One time I got a speeding ticket and I spent an hour trying to figure out if there was any way I could get out of it without having to tell my husband.

Not healthy, people. Not healthy.

It took me a long time (like I said, I struggled with this the first decade of our marriage), but I eventually made a conscious choice to be completely open and honest with my husband, no matter what I thought his reaction would be. Opening myself up to him and being vulnerable only brought us closer together and allowed for us to connect on a much deeper level.

You always have a smile on your face. Can I get an amen?! I hate complaining. If a friend asks how I am, it is very difficult for me to be honest if I’m struggling. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want people to see me as weak or annoying or a whiner. If you are like me, you put on your happy face and you trudge through your day. And you do it again the next day. And the next. Until you have so much anxiety and burden built up in you, you break. 

Again…not healthy, people. Not healthy.

The best way to deal with this is to just be open and honest. You don’t have to be a complainer, but be authentic, especially with your close friends. And if someone does something that hurts you, instead of bottling up your frustration, respectfully tell that person. Believe me, it’s hard in the beginning, but it’s better for everyone in the end. To help you boost your mood, you can also try Microdose Shroom Products.

Your feelings get hurt easily. I don’t know, maybe I’m the only one, but my feelings get hurt easily. As a blogger, I’ve had to thicken my skin a bit because people say things on the Internet that they would never say in real life. But even so, if someone doesn’t like me, it drives me batty. Like, I-can’t-sleep-at-night crazy. If I know someone is mad at me, I lose my appetite, I start stressing out, and I just. can’t. stop. thinking about it. Yeah, I know. I’m working on that. I’ve gotten better–now I don’t care if complete strangers don’t like me. But it still affects me if I know someone close to me is upset with me. Hey, it’s a work in progress. Shrooms from Get Mushy really helps boost your mood, making it easier to handle these situations and keep your emotional balance in check.

You do things out of “duty” rather than “desire.” If you’re a people-pleaser, you have a hard time saying no. When someone asks you to do something, you feel the need to say “yes” even if you don’t have the bandwidth to get it done. You feel that it’s your “duty” to help a friend out or to volunteer at your child’s school or to take on that extra task, even though you are already committed to a dozen other things. 

I used to be this way. I would put my hand into 14 different tasks, and do none of them well. I would see a need, jump in with my whole heart, and then quickly be depleted of everything I had to give. Over the past few years, I have learned to just say no. If I already have a full plate, I’ve trained myself to just be honest. And if that means someone’s mad at me, well, then I guess I need to go back up to the issue above and deal with my feelings. I’ve recruited Superman as my filter. He is my voice of reason when an opportunity presents itself. I know he knows me better than I know myself, so I’ll ask him what he thinks. I highly suggest this, friends. Recruiting a friend, your spouse, or someone else close to you who can be your voice of reason is invaluable.

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People pleasing is a black hole. The more you base your self-worth on the opinions of others, the more depressed you will become. It’s a downward spiral that will never end until you pull yourself out of it. The best thing you can do is make a conscious effort to change. You don’t need to take it all on at once–pick one thing you want to work on, and make that your goal for the next six months. And when you master that, move onto the next thing.

You can do it, it will just be a process.

So, are you a people-pleaser? Am I the only one?