I will be the first to admit I lecture my children.
Sometimes, I amaze myself at the insights I provide them.
Drawing connections between biblical characters and my kids, showing them how current behaviors will play out in future consequences…I mean, a lot of thoughtful words and insightful advice can come out of my mouth after talking at them for 10 or 15 minutes.
I was chatting with a friend the other day and may have been venting about certain children in my household…one in particular (who I’ve talked about before). This child, I would say, is difficult to parent. And by difficult, I mean exhausting. Discouraging. Weakening. There are days when I look in the mirror and ask why I’m being punished. What I did to anger God enough to give me a child who seems to mostly think only of himself. A child who gives off an air of entitlement, who refuses to take responsibility for his mistakes, who purposefully angers his siblings and seems to find true satisfaction in prodding them to the brink of an outburst. A child who seems to believe every problem in his life is derived from the mistakes of those around him, not from the choices he makes.
This friend of mine recommended a book to me called “Transforming the Difficult Child.” I know, not the best title, but it leaves no question as to the subject of the book.
I was hesitant to read this book as I’ve read many parenting books and honestly am often turned off by the “foo foo” stuff they include. Honestly, for most of my kids, those parenting books help quite a bit. You can reason with less “difficult” children and use traditional methods on them with great success. But with certain children, those methods just don’t work.
Making a “good behavior” chart or letting them suffer consequences for their own choices without me getting involved works for awhile but honestly, self sabotage takes over within a short period of time. Before I know it, this child is back to his old ways, frustrating me and everyone else in the household, pushing me to the edge of my sanity.
My friend assured me that this book was different and that it specifically talks about dealing with children who don’t necessarily fit into the “simpler parenting” mold.
Being that my Lent commitment is praying specifically for my relationship with this child, I decided to give it a go.
I’m not quite finished with the book yet, but one thing stood out to me.
The author pointed out that most parents choose to lecture their kids (remember, I’m good at that!) when they do something wrong. We use those moments when kids are misbehaving to go to town telling them all about how their behavior is wrong, and what they need to do to change it. But we rarely point out the things our kids are doing right at the times they are doing them right.
I’m guilty of this. I am constantly correcting behavior. Honestly, the LAST thing I want to do with this kid is compliment him. There are rarely enough “good” moments in the day with him–when he does do something thoughtful or kind, I’m usually already so upset with him, telling him what a good job he’s doing is the last thing on my mind. When he’s one-on-one with someone, he’s quite a joy to be around, really. But put him in a room with one or more of his siblings, and it’s like a switch gets flipped.
The author goes on to say that by lecturing our kids when they do something wrong and not pointing out the positive things in the moment, we are teaching them that in order to get quality time with us, they need to do something wrong. Of course, the kid isn’t thinking of this consciously. It’s like a hamster on a wheel–they are just doing what they are being trained to do. And if we spend more time with our kids when we lecture them after doing something wrong, instead of when they do something right, they will continue to act out. Why wouldn’t they?
I felt very convicted by this. It does not come naturally to compliment my kids or point out things they are doing RIGHT. I know that sounds sad, but it’s the truth. I saw a lot of criticism in my home growing up, not a lot of encouragement. But that’s no excuse. I’m in charge of my own choices, and the last thing I want to do is perpetuate a cycle of disconnect from my kids.
Again, when this child is one-on-one, he is quite pleasant. But he lives in a large family. Not only does he need to learn how to cope, so do I.
I don’t expect everyone to understand. Not everyone has a difficult child. You may be looking at me and saying, “Goodness gracious, grow a pair. Stop complaining!” But I have to say, unless you have adopted from foster care, or unless you have a child who makes you question your ability as a parent, or unless you have looked at your child and felt resentment instead of pure love, you just don’t know. Unless you have fallen down on your face, begging God to help you parent your child, you just don’t know. Unless you have laid awake at night, crying because your child has hurt you so immeasurably, and wondering if you can make it, you just don’t know.
I love our kids. Every one of them I truly do love. I believe God made each one of them just perfect in His eyes. It’s just that I don’t have His eyes. I have my eyes. I know that the things I find most frustrating right now will most likely end up being the very things God uses as my kids future strengths. Please don’t question my commitment to them or my devotion to them. Just know that each of us walks down a different road. Just because we may not understand what someone else is going through doesn’t mean we are right and they are wrong.
I just wanted to put this out there, because I know there are other moms like me. Moms who struggle, wondering what they’re doing wrong, what they could do better, how they are going to make it 18 years.
I’ve already started implementing some of the ideas in Transforming the Difficult Child. I’m very anxious to see if consciously making an effort to point out the good things, no matter how small they are, and reserving the lectures for the “good” times makes a difference. Of course, consequences will still be in place for misbehavior, but hopefully that won’t be his whole life anymore. I will keep you posted.
Do you have a difficult child? Or am I the only one?
Sara says
Can I borrow the book when you’re done??!! 🙂
Life Made Full says
Yes!
Cheryl S. says
Thank you so much. There are days when I don’t know how I’m going to make it through. I have a child like yours, and I never feel like anybody understands. Thank you for giving me a ray of hope.
Kammy says
You’re not alone! As a fellow adoptive mom, I feel you. I often feel no one understands, too. It’s very hard parenting a child who only cares about himself. I just pray one day that will change.
Sara McCarthur says
Thank you! I’m buying the book now!!
sarah says
We have adopted from foster care, and have a difficult child. A friend asked what a perfect day would be for me, and I realized a day without him. That is horrible truth. As I work on changing my heart, I wanted to just suggest you also look into RAD. (Reactive attachment disorder). I really like the author Nancy Thomas. Many foster families I know have bennifited from her work, and I use her stuff with great success. 🙂
Lindsey Tanner says
Which Nancy Thomas? The Nancy Thomas that sells “holding therapy” abuse to desperate parents?
Children have died from this kind of therapy. “International attention was attracted to the problem of holding therapy in 2000 when a 10-year-old American girl died in the course of treatment. Other deaths, caused by parents following the advice of therapists, have been less well publicized.” (from International Concerns About Holding Therapy by John Mercer).
Nancy Thomas herself writes: “I pick a good book and read while I sit on a child and that really seems to upset them”, “rewards and bonuses should be food, clothing or necessities”, and “hold the child tightly to you and scream into his face and unload on the child”.
The American Professional Society on Abuse of Children (APSAC) investigated holding therapy and published a report rejecting the treatment and related methods.
Ms. Linda Rosa, RN, states it best: “Attachment Therapy is the worst quackery in our nation today. To our most vulnerable children — adoptive, foster and minority children — ‘Attachment (Holding) Therapy’ and ‘Therapeutic Parenting’ means nothing less than a childhood of relentless torture. How is inflicting fear, pain, humiliation, bizarre notions of reality, threats, forced intimacy, and isolation from friends and family — how is all this expected to lead a child to trust, love, and be happy? We do know it has led to death.”
http://rsw.sagepub.com/content/24/2/188.full.pdf+html
(International Concerns About Holding Therapy, John Mercer)
http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/holding_therapy.html
http://www.childrenintherapy.org/victims/victims.html (with some of the known abuse and death cases)
http://rsw.sagepub.com/content/17/4/513.short
(Holding Therapy and Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy Are Not Supported and Acceptable Social Work Interventions: A Systematic Research Synthesis Revisited)
Mindy says
I have had this up as an open tab since yesterday and truly needed to read it tonight! I don’t have foster or adoptive children, but I definitely have 2 difficult children who leave me grasping for straws in knowing the right way to get through to them. Thank you for giving me some sort of goal for tomorrow (complimenting the “right” things) and I definitely will be looking into that book!
Life Made Full says
Thanks for your comment, Mindy! It’s nice to know there are others moms out there who struggle, too! =)
binx says
i just came upon this post via pinterest, and i cannot tell you how meaningful it was to me to read your words. i love my child, deeply and intensely, and want nothing more than a harmonious parent-child relationship, but that seems quite out of reach for me. every day i am in fear, not knowing what to expect, and i have shed a river of tears.
i just got the companion book–all children flourishing. it all makes sense, but i do not have the energy to read it as i am beaten down and feeling very hopeless.
please tell me if the book has made a difference for you 4+ months after your original post. if it has, i will do everything i can to read just a little bit every day.
Life Made Full says
Hi, binx! I will say that the book was definitely worth reading, but as with any parenting book, you have to give yourself grace. I am still not a perfect parent (I don’t know why! I’ve read enough books… lol) but I feel each time I gain new insights, I add tools to my tool belt and hopefully get just a little better at my job. It’s kind of like professional training. =) I would say it’s worth reading for sure, but I wouldn’t stress about getting through it. Just pick it up, read a few pages, and see if it resonates with you. I hope that helps! Good luck–I feel for you! <3
Nancy says
I totally needed to read this and know I am not alone! Thank you! My difficult child us fifteen and I have a daily chant, “14 more quarters of school, 3 & 1/2 more years” I pray I can help him to safely navigate into adulthood.
I ask myself on the daily what did I do wrong? He was breastfed, loved, praised. I cry at least once a day due to his verbal abuse and sometimes Out of emotional pain on his behalf.
Shanti Landon says
Thank you for sharing that, Nancy! <3 Praying for his growth, maturity and heart, as well as your strength and resolve. <3
elizabethq says
Do you have one tip you would give for how to keep joy and laughter in the rest of the family (and marriage) when there is one difficult child who seems to create a cloud of depression over us as parents?
Shanti Landon says
Hi, Elizabeth! Sorry it’s taken me a bit to get back to you. What you are asking is a difficult question, especially when the difficult child is draining you of your emotional resources. The best advice I can give is to make sure that you and your spouse stay fervent in making your relationship a priority. With all the ups and downs we have with our difficult child(ren), knowing our marriage is rock solid is a huge encouragement and life saver. We know that “this too shall pass” and at some point, our kiddos will be moved out, and it’ll just be my hubby and me. The best way, in my opinion, to maintain joy in the midst of trials is to stay focused on nurturing your relationship with your spouse, and if you are a Christian, making your relationship with God a priority. Of course, nurturing the relationships with your children is important, too.
We have had seasons where we felt like our difficult child was like a cancer in our home, spreading poison to everyone. During those times, we prayed fervently that the Lord would protect the hearts of our other kids, and that whatever growth they could be getting throughout the process, He would have His hand in. We also prayed for a solid hedge of protection over the relationship of my husband and I, because we know that when that relationship starts to crumble, the enemy can swoop in like a waiting lion to destroy.
I’m not sure if that answered your question at all, but I hope it gave you a bit of encouragement at least. Please let me know if you have more questions!
Christina says
I am not exactly in the same boat…. My child is almost 3yrs old. And I can not even imagine making it to 18 years. He has been difficult from the day he was born. He refuses to do anything that is not his idea. He throws screaming tantrums that last for hours and attacks me and my husband and I am at my wits end and have no idea what to do. We are very strict and have an almost perfect 8 year old boy. I am willing to do anything. Thanks for any advice!
Shanti Landon says
Hi, Christina! I’m so sorry to hear this. Have you had your younger son evaluated before?