5 Secrets to a Successful Marriage

Let me first add a disclaimer: First, I am no marriage therapist. I have no formal training, so you may take what I say with a grain of salt. These are merely my opinions and experiences, shared through words. Second, my experiences are based on faith in God. If you are an unbeliever or not a follower, read this with your own discretion.

Superman and I are coming up on our 19th anniversary. As cliche as it may sound, I love him even more now than I did when we first got married. The beginning was rough (you can read more about that HERE), but I can honestly say our marriage has been like granite since then. I’m not saying that to brag; it is only by hard work and God’s grace that we continue to remain best friends.

Even then, I can’t force marital advice. I can share what has worked for Superman and I, but I can’t be so arrogant to assume that just because something works for us means it will work for everyone. I can say, however, that none of these things I am writing would hurt a marriage. It could only help a relationship. When considering to plan a wedding you might want to read this post about destination weddings by Designed Dream.

1. Make your spouse 2nd…only to God

There’s a balance here. Some people push their spouse down the priority pole. Maybe work or school precede your spouse’s needs or maybe it’s your friends. More commonly, maybe it’s your children. Of course, our children are hugely important and should be a priority; just not THE priority, if you are married. It’s easy to get wrapped up in our children. Activities, sports, birthday parties, homework, discipline…it all takes over. We have to consciously make sure our spouse realizes he or she is important, too. One day, those kids will be grown, and who will you be left with? Take a look next to you. Will you be best friends ready to experience life together as empty nesters? Or will you look at each other with blank stares, wondering who in the heck this is you’re married to?

On the flip side, you shouldn’t worship your spouse either. Worship God first, and you will naturally be inclined to make your spouse a priority. Not saying that will happen all by itself, but it sure will help.

2. Give up trying to be “right”

When Superman and I were first married, I was all about being right. I didn’t care whether I knew he was actually right, I wasn’t going to go down without a fight. I have no idea why I did that. Well, actually, I have a pretty good idea why. I did not want to be taken advantage of. Oh, and I had a boatload of pride. I thought if I was wrong, I was somehow inferior, and that I would be seen as a failure. Guess what? It wasn’t true. Chalk it up to one of Satan’s {successful, I may add} lies. I fully believed if and when I was “proven” wrong, I was just that much more of a failure.

So, you’re getting into an argument. Stop and look at yourself. I don’t mean literally here. Don’t go find a mirror. Although, that may not be a bad idea…seeing yourself during an argument may make you think twice about how you react. What I really meant was, take a look at what your angle is. Are you going into this with the goal that you will win? Do you honestly want to find the truth? Is the argument about something trivial that in the end really doesn’t matter (think toilet lids or laundry hampers)? If you have a manipulative angle, you need to stop yourself. Hire lie detector services to clear up any misunderstandings. Think about whether the argument is actually important, and then decide how you can proceed respectfully, calmly, and with open ears, not a closed heart.

3. Make grace and forgiveness a welcome part of your day

Superman is as close to a perfect partner as possible. But even he has imperfections. He does things that annoy me sometimes (as I’m sure I do to him). He makes mistakes and fails sometimes. So do I. I am no perfect person. If you were picking one of these points to focus on, I think it should be this one: make grace and forgiveness a welcome part of your day. The reason I said, “a welcome part of your day” is because doing this begrudgingly won’t work. We have to be not only content but happy to practice grace and forgiveness.

Just think about those times in your life when someone extended you grace when you really didn’t deserve it. Didn’t it make you want to be a better person? Now, I’m definitely not saying if you have an abusive spouse, to just “forgive and forget” and allow the other person to continually hurt or berate you. There is also a responsibility to set boundaries for yourself and your children.

However, I love this Bible verse in 1 Peter 3:1-2, specifically for women: “The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty.” (The Message, emphasis added) There is something beautiful and desirable about a woman who loves God and whose actions are kind, gentle and welcoming. A woman who is antagonistic, looks for an argument and continually keeps notes of past wrongs is anything but beautiful in the eyes of her mate. A woman who extends forgiveness and grace to {especially an undeserving} spouse is much more likely to have that same grace and forgiveness extended to her, and will often inspire her husband to be a better man. Again, I am not claiming that this will have 100% success and will automatically make your marriage perfect, but it will often help in ways beyond belief.

4. Pray together

You’ve heard the old saying, “Couples who pray together, stay together.” It’s very difficult to stay angry at someone if you are praying with and for them. Imagine what your spouse would say if after an argument, when tempers are still bubbling, you approached him or her and said, “I’m sorry, honey. Can we pray together?” Wouldn’t that change the whole feeling in the room? Not only that, wouldn’t that change your heart a bit? Try it–it really is hard to look at someone after praying with them and still be as angry with them as you were before the prayer.

Not sure how to pray together? Feel awkward? As hard as it may be to believe, it was uncomfortable for me to pray with Superman initially. I think mostly because I hadn’t ever seen a healthy marital relationship that incorporated prayer together regularly. I’m sure many of you are in that same boat. But, you have to start somewhere. Try it today. Before bed tonight, offer to pray with your spouse. Don’t make him or her pray, just offer to pray and ask if they would like to, too. If he or she doesn’t feel comfortable, don’t force it. Just be an example of someone willing to go out on a limb for the betterment of your relationship, and eventually you will both be praying with each other, experiencing the closeness that can only come from joining together in prayer.

5. Spend time together

This may seem obvious, but it often gets put on the back burner. It goes hand in hand with keeping your spouse as a priority. You must. Spend time. Together. This is probably the biggest weakness of Superman and I. We have lots of kids, and getting a babysitter regularly is a huge financial strain. We have family close by, but we don’t like to overuse their time. It’s tiring to watch 5 young children! And there are other grandchildren in the family that we need to think of. So Superman and I tend not to ask unless we have something specific we are attending. It’s an area I would like to work on for sure. In an ideal world, we would go out together every Friday night. But, that time will come at some point when our children are older.

{Note: since writing this post four years ago, our kids have miraculously gotten older! We go on regular weekly date nights now!}

Even if you don’t have babysitting as an option, you can still figure out ways to spend together. Sometimes, when we know we need time to connect just breathing, talking and enjoying one another’s company, we will have the kids go to their rooms, and we’ll just chill on the couch, talking to each other about our days, discussing things that we haven’t had time to discuss, and to just hang out. Sometimes on a weekend morning, I will make a pot of coffee, and we will tell the kids to watch a show while we just sit in bed with our coffee and chat. The kids know this time is important to us, and that interrupting us for anything other than an emergency isn’t acceptable. Of course, it helps that they’re a little older now, and our youngest is four. But regardless of your kids’ ages, there is usually a way to get more time in with your spouse. Maybe on the weekend, you make a trip to the park so the kids can play while you talk with each other. Maybe you reserve one night a week when the kids eat early, and  you and your spouse eat alone at the dining room table for dinner. Or maybe you can find someone to watch your kids so you can go out, or pack a mens weekend bag for a weekend trip without the kids, even if it’s just once a month. Whatever it may be, there is usually a way. Of course, if your spouse is in the military or is gone for long periods of time, you will have to figure out something that works for you, and it will probably take a lot more work.

Shifting focus to the dynamics of relationships, it’s crucial to highlight how couples therapy can significantly impact both partners’ mental health and overall well-being. Engaging in sessions with a skilled therapist provides a safe space for both individuals to express their feelings openly and honestly. This process not only fosters better communication but also deepens understanding and empathy between partners. Through platforms like Augmentive.io provides solutions for professional and private relationship guidance, among other services, couples have access to support that can transform their relationship.

Just do your best.

You’re never going to be perfect. But actively striving to better your marriage will reap benefits for generations to come. Those little eyes (if you have children) are watching you, looking to see how they will react with their future spouses. Help create a legacy of grace, forgiveness and love in your relationship that will be so contagious, it will spread through your descendants for years and years. And most of all, just be willing. Having a willing heart goes a long way, even in a hurting marriage. However, if you feel like it’s time to end your marriage, you may speak with divorce lawyers to learn about your legal options. And if you have questions regarding family law, you may consult with a family law attorney to know more. Visit sites like https://bruninglaw.com/ to find lawyers who have the expertise and experience in handling family law cases.

For more marital advice and help, check out Focus on the Family for many great resources.