You know, it’s not like anything was blatantly wrong. My marriage was solid, my relationships with my kids were good. I was happy and content and pretty darn satisfied. But after going through the process of decluttering my house a few months ago, I realized that there were parts of my heart that needed to be decluttered as well.
I was ok with how things were, but I knew things could be better.
I wanted to know that I was doing everything in my power to be the best wife, mom and friend I could be. Not be the perfect mom, perfect wife or perfect friend, but to know I was doing my best.
I knew there were things from my past I hadn’t ever officially “dealt” with. Things that affected me physically, emotionally, spiritually and even sexually. I had gently placed bandages over the lacerations, knowing they would help protect me from feeling the sting of each wound.
Plus, my blog is called “Life Made Full.” How could I truly be living my life fully if I was so constrained in certain areas? I wanted to be free.
It was time.
It was time to carefully tear those bandages away and allow myself to feel the pain and to see how that “hidden” angst was affecting me as a mom and a wife. Because it was. No matter how prettily I covered those wounds, they still seeped blood and that blood oozed into my relationships with those around me.
I went into therapy to address one area where I’ve always struggled to truly be vulnerable: in the bedroom. It’s hard for me to even write that out. You know, we don’t talk about sex. I mean, our culture is saturated in it, but it’s not the sex I’m talking about. I’m not talking about the perverted, distasteful, distorted sex that we see on our TVs, covering billboards, plastering posters and filling the radio waves. I’m talking about Biblical sex.
Yes, I just said Biblical sex.
I’m almost blushing just putting those words out there. But why? Sex is not what we’ve made it to be. Sex is supposed to be an intimate, beautiful gift from God. It’s a finely, carefully wrapped present that our Creator lovingly gave to us with hopes that we would enjoy it the way He truly intended.
But I wasn’t there. To me, sex was an obligation, something that a “good wife” does. But it was also dirty, shaming, and something that caused a big pit of despair in my stomach.
So, I went into therapy to address this area. Because I knew it wasn’t what God had for me. I knew there was better.
But in the last few months, as I’ve peeled back bandages one by one, I’ve realized that wound was just one of many. It was like an intricate web of injury woven throughout my heart. And when I cleaned out one cobweb, another one presented itself.
I think I always knew the bruises were there, but I thought that being a good Christian meant pretending they weren’t. Because if I acknowledged the pain, it somehow meant I didn’t believe my God was big enough to fix it. And what kind of Christian would I be if I was actually still broken?
I’ve realized now that I was numb. Numb to much more than I imagined.
Have you ever been in the snow and had your fingers become numb to the cold? When you go inside and expose your fingers to warmth, you start to feel that sharp pain that is associated with thawing. You have a choice: You can go back out and thrust your hands back down in the snow so you don’t feel the pain, and allow frostbite, and the ensuing nerve damage to take place. Sure, you won’t feel the pain…but you won’t feel anything ever again.
Or, you can allow the pain to come, knowing that comfort is on the other side.
Friends, I am in the thawing phase.
I don’t really even know how to articulately put into words how I feel right now. I feel the stabbing, shooting, sharp pains of the heat. I truly want to turn and run back to the snow. It was better in the snow. I felt nothing in the snow.
Of course, I know I don’t really want to run back to the snow. I am forcing myself to stand next to the heater, welcoming in the pain, knowing comfort is coming.
I wanted to share this with you, my dear readers, because it’s me. I think oftentimes people see my happy photos, my funny quips, my presentable facade. But I want you to know, this is where I am. I haven’t finished the race. I haven’t “gotten there.” I haven’t even quite figured out where I’m going yet. But I believe in authenticity, and I don’t believe true healing comes until true openness occurs.
Thank you for being an ear for me. Thank you for allowing me to share, in a humbling, vulnerable way. Praying this helps some of you who might be in the “thawing phase,” too. <3
SAHMmelier says
Being a Christian doesn’t mean no pain, or that pain is a reflection of any lack of faith. It means that there is something in you calling for me, a space not yet filled, a lesson to be trudged through. It means there is hope. Thank you for sharing and for the encouragement to thaw. You aren’t alone. Praying for wisdom, clarity, grace, and healing.
sahmmelier says
More, not me. Writing on a phone is always precarious.
wingscd says
Thank you for sharing. Please know from someone who has been where you are that it is worth it. It took me 30+ years to deal with it. I bandaged my wounds in many ways including overeating. I will always be a work in progress but I can finally say that I have dealt with a lot of things and shed my weight cocoon. I feel amazing and can feel and appreciate our Heavenly Father’s love for me. Take one day at a time and don’t give up.
Shanti Landon says
Thank you so much, Wingscd. <3 Praying for your journey as well!
Nicole says
Thank you so much Shanti for sharing your heart. What a beautiful gift you’ve given us. A friend on facebook posted a quote and it seems perfect:
“I think I fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me their soul. This world is so guarded and fearful. I appreciate rawness so much.”
Sending you a virtual hug, know that when I think of you, I will be praying and sending love as you go through this harder part of your journey. I love your courage to go through the pain!
Much love and blessings xx
Shanti Landon says
Thank you, Nicole! I love that quote. Thank you for your support, too! <3
Crystal says
Thank you for your transparency! It is my belief that many Christians are dying behind their masks because they are afraid to be honest. My husband and I started a group in our church based on the book ‘Redemption: Freed by Jesus from the Idols We Woship and the Wounds We Carry’. It’s been such a blessing! Basically, it’s biblical counseling in a group setting. I pray that your openness will be a catalyst for those who are suffering in science to find help and freedom!
Shanti Landon says
Thank you Crystal! How wonderful about your group! I love that!
Danielle says
Thanks for sharing Shanti. <3 I was having these realizations too, especially last night. I bought the book Emotions and Essential Oils. I felt like I needed every single oil. Have you read it? Fascinating and helpful. Blessings to you! Thank goodness God is for our healing!!!
Shanti Landon says
Thanks Danielle! I haven’t read that one–will check it out!
Jill Vokey says
Thank you Shanti,for sharing your story. I have been in therapy for several years and it has helped me deal with my depression and other issues from my early 20’s and my earlier years. It has really helped it also let’s me know that I’m am a good parent.
Deborah Berg says
Shanti, thank you so much for telling your story. I am starting therapy on 3/9 as long as I can afford it. I am at a point in my life where I have hurt so much and for so long that I really don’t know if I care about or love anyone. I feel so much of the numbness that you have described. I am hoping and praying that you reach the place where you need to get, and I hope and pray something can be done that will help me start healing. I have been a Christian since my early teens but at the age of 65, I still believe in God & everything he has done, I am just really confused as to why I have put so many of these “bandages” on my heart, but now cannot feel anything. Again, thank you for being so honest and letting people know they are not alone.
Shanti Landon says
Deborah, thank you so much for sharing. <3 Praying for you on your journey to healing. <3
Gayle says
Shanti, you can’t imagine how you’ve touched my heart with your story. I, too, suffered from a very young age with severe depression and when I married was “dead” sexually. I didn’t even know I had a problem, I was so ignorant. And that’s how my husband wanted to keep me. Many years and 6 children later, I came to realize what sexuality was. Unfortunately it was from attraction to another man. I fell in love with him but the guilt was so great I could not dissolve my abusive marriage. This went on for 6 years until my children were out of high school. I finally had the nerve to leave my marriage and marry the most wonder man that ever lived. My guilt has been so debilitating for all these years until 3 years ago when my therapist helped me undo the bandages from low self esteem, feeling unworthy, and unloved by God, to realizing that God does love me even though I committed adultery. And who am I to not forgive myself when God forgave me. That was a huge thing to realize and has helped me in so many ways. I might add, the man I sinned with and later married, led me to Christ and we had the most beautiful, loving marriage imaginable. I lost my precious husband last year but have assurance we will be reunited again.
My prayers are with you. I am 78 and have never told this story, except to my therapist and right now, feel a great relief. Thank you again.
Shanti Landon says
Gayle, thank you for sharing your story with me. It takes a very brave person to be able to put something so heavy and burdensome out on the table. I’m so glad you were touched by the post. Praying for you as you continue your healing!
Tanya says
Bless you for your openness and honesty….it will be such an encouragement to so many people. It is a shame that there is such a stigma on pain and suffering in the Christian community, when we are actually told that it is through these things that we grow and transform into the people that God wants us to be.
The work you are doing in addressing your wounding is so vital and so valuable. I hope as your journey continues you will remember: “The mind once opened to a new idea never returns to its original dimension”
Robin says
You never cease to amaze me. For so many years I’m continually inspired by your journey. Our paths may be very different, but I learn from you always.
Shanti Landon says
Thank you so much, Robin. You are an inspiration to me as well! <3
Carol says
Powerful vulnerability WILL gift you!!
M says
This was awesome and so inspiring. I, too, have struggled with depression my entire life and still deal with it. Thankfully, I’m blessed to continue to find and receive amazingly wonderful inspirational material such as yours and am helped. The struggle doesn’t seem to have an end (at least in this lifetime) – but I continue to persist and seek God in it.
Thank you again – and God Bless you!
Carol Flores says
May God bless you in your journey.
Valerie says
So many have already said beautiful, encouraging words… I don’t wish to be redundant. I’ll simply say, “God bless you on your journey.” And thank you for your bravery in being open and vulnerable… I know God will use it for good. 🙂
Too Good for Therapy says
Seriously I have never seen anyone so weak. Do you realize what a horrible example you are being to your children? You’re basically telling them you’re too weak to handle your own problems. Sorry, but what kind of mom does that? #failing
Carrie Carlson says
What kind of mom admits that she is not perfect? That she is willing to recognize there are areas in her life that could be improved if she seeks some help? The very nature of our design is to seek the advice and help of others when we are unable to stand on our own. From the moment God created man, he created woman, we were not intended to live alone, but to be a people who lifted each other up in support and love. The BEST example a person can set for his or her children is to be humble, admit when what they have been given is too much, and to turn to God, who will direct them to seek the help they need.
Mike F. says
Seriously?! YOU are what’s wrong with humanity.
Kelly says
Your ignorance is far too great to even dignify this with a remark other than you clearly no nothing of God’s Word and His call for us to humble, and find our strength in Him alone. You need prayers not reprimands for God to life the veil from your eyes and open your heart to the truth of His Word. Until we fall at the feet of Christ in complete weakness as sinners, we can never experience the true healing and life that can only come through Him.
Marisa says
Just this morning we heard about the top reasons why people don’t want to come to church and hypocrisy was at the top of the list.
Interestingly enough, the person that hated hypocrites the most was Christ because they “played Christianity” and went for the feeling rather than knowing the person of Christ and desiring to become more like him thus and were not authentic. They focused on the law, the “to do” lists, wanting to look perfect in the eyes of others and they were rotting on the inside! (see Matthew 11). Real authenticity and exposing issues we deal with is when Christ can come and do his redemptive work, not in the hearts of the proud, but rather in the hearts of the humble who know they need help.
Beware or you will be modelling to your kids that you have to be perfect in order for Christ to love you and nothing could be further from the truth. Do yourself a favor, take off the mask you are wearing and be amazed at what that does for you. It will expose areas in your life, hurt at times, but the rewards are very much worth it. Anyone can play the “perfect game” and heaven knows the world is ruled by it, but authenticity, now that is something we need to strive for! It is not for the weak of heart, but rather for those who know they have a God who will heal and change the broken areas of their lives and in turn give him the glory for doing so!
Donnabell says
All I can say is Thank You !!!!
Sabrina says
If you have to go to therapy, you ARE saying your God isn’t big enough to heal you. I would think as a Christian you would see the irony in that. Why would you need a third party to go between you and God?? If you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains. What this tells me is that your faith is not as strong as you think.
Kelly says
Getting wise biblical counsel is NOT saying that God isn’t big enough to heal you, it’s doing exactly what the Lord instructs in seeking wisdom, gaining instruction and better understanding of His word, not just through our own reading of his word and through prayer, although that is of utmost importance and is central to our walk in Christ, but also we are instructed to seek wise advise (counsel and instruction) from other believers. (Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 12:15, Proverbs 13:10, Proverb 27:9, Rom 15:14, Col 3:16, etc. etc.)
Would you leave a snarky comment to a friend of yourse who said they spoke to their pastor, or a wise Christian friend to seek advise on an issue they are struggling with? And tell us, do you NEVER seek advise or counsel on how to apply the Word of God in your life? Do you not attend church to gain instruction in God’s Word and how to apply it to your daily life? Do you snub bible studies and small group time where people discuss how to apply God’s Word and hold each other accountable to grow in grace and knowledge?
If you participate in any of these avenues of gaining instruction, insight and wisdom from others who are well versed in God’s Word, then why on earth would you be so ignorant and uncaring to criticize Shanti for getting one-on-one instruction from God’s Word from a biblical counselor who is instructing her through using God’s Word?
Perhaps you need to spend more time in God’s Word, living out what loving others and seeking wisdom is all about. Perhaps you are in need of some solid Christians in your life to help instruct you in His truth and grace, particularly how to give grace and love to others who are reaching out for help, rather than using your tongue as a dagger of poison to spew mean-spirited words that hurt (James 3:6-12).
I am praying for you to grow in grace and kindness and love! With grace in Christ, Kelly
quinnaberdeen says
I love your openess! I just wanted to applaud you on your honesty and vulnerability. And to let you know that by you showing women that it is okay to be broken and let the Savior heal, they are more likely to acknowledge their deep hidden hurts and be brave enough to tackle and expose and ultimately accept the Savior’s help and healing. Through our brokenness He shines. Thank you for shining light on an area that many many women struggle with, Biblical sex. I am so encouraged by this. Hugs from SD!
Shanti Landon says
Thank you, Quinna! <3
Marisa says
Phil 1:6 – for I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Hugest of hugs to you and a huge smile for your stepping out to deal with what has been holding you back. Just today in church we found that when the Kingdom presses in on our souls things rise to the surface which we need to deal with 🙂 No shame in this AT ALL, for it is the BRAVE who face and fight their issues so God can be glorified for the work He will do and in turn allow you to touch the lives of many others who are traveled or are traveling the same road and perhaps haven’t been brave enough to press forward. Being authentic is the best witness we have and you are being just that 🙂 Blessings to you as you walk though the mud to get to the other side where firm ground is there for you to jump for joy on 🙂 God created sex to be a great thing and as you said, the world has totally distorted that beautiful gift from God by separating the physical from the emotional aspects of Biblical love and ironically, not realizing or wanting to admit, the very thing they are craving is the emotional side of sex which is love. Press onward and upward as you deal with what lays behind so you can strive forward to what lies ahead. Hugest of blessings to you and thanks for sharing your heart. Big cyber ((hug))!!
Shanti Landon says
Thank you for your encouragement, Marisa! <3
Lewann says
Wow! I feel like you are in my head! LOL!!!
After being sexually abused as a child I have struggled with enjoying sex with my wonderful supportive husband. I am 36 and still healing from this issue. I went to therapy as a child and of course decided I didn’t need it and quit! Boy do I wish I didn’t do that! I wish my mom would have made me go. I don’t really think that would help but maybe it would have helped to think that she loved me enough to make me get more help.
I am very lucky to have found a husband that knows all my issues and doesn’t shy away from them.
Thank you so so much for sharing your own struggles. Believe me, it does help to know that others are dealing with similar issues and that we can get through this and end up better in the long run! Bless you for seeking help so you can be the best wife, mother for yourself and your family! Please don’t read the negative comments that have been posted! Only the ignorant people who can’t deal with their own issues post on positive posts of people who want to best out of life!!!!
Shanti Landon says
Thank you for your encouragement Lewann! Praying for you on your journey–thankful you have a supportive hubby too!
Emily says
WOW. So thankful for this. When we are humbled, the Lord lifts His children up. <3 I literally, by God's providence, clicked on this, and it was such a blessing to read this. I often struggle with sharing burdens, but that just means I'm being prideful and not admitting and sharing and rejoicing in the fact that I need Jesus, that I need to be pointed to Jesus all the time, every day, and that's why counselors and others are there.